Questions, indeed.
This was not an auspicious start. So many days since the last post. Ugh. Well, what are my questions. The first, the one that has been in my mind the most lately is "What is the point in all of it?" Because I have no idea. Maybe I knew what the point was when I was working in science. I felt like I was working toward something, at least adding to something. Now I just feel like I am bobbing along until I am dead. No point, no nothing, really.
Does there have to be a point? I don't believe in a god, I don't believe in an afterlife. So maybe that is why I struggle, I don't believe that we are here for a reason. Is that okay? Do I need to create a point?
And why all of the nostalgia lately. I have been wishing to go back so much lately, I am almost surprised I haven't through sheer will. It's that strange sense that I was happier then, things were better then. But that is utter bullshit and I know it. I hated high school and had a hard time in college, all due to undiagnosed ADHD. So I felt stupid all of the time. Etc., etc.
Going back, does it represent undoing mistakes? Why don't I choose to undo them now, by learning not to do that thing (procrastinate, eat chocolate until I am sick) now and move on?
I really hate where I am at right now. I am getting older, I am getting sicker, and I do not seem to be doing enough to help the part I can actually do something about. In part, going back means not having to deal with the issues as they are right now. I can start at a better health, a lower weight, knees that work, and a back that doesn't hurt. But I would probably make the same choices and get the same results. Or not, I don't know. But I do know one very important thing. I can't go back, I can never go back. And I need to be okay with that. Somehow.
Monday, November 6, 2017
Wednesday, July 5, 2017
Midlife crisis, menopause, or something else entirely? What is going on?
After law school, I realized I didn't like practicing law. I tried to go back to research but that door was firmly shut on me. So I work in the legal profession. And sometimes long to go back to science.
Days and hours have been spent dwelling on regrets, the past, and nostalgia. It hurts, is a waste of time, and the present gets lost.
A few years ago I started to have panic attacks. Full-blown. I start to shake, my vision goes wonky, my breathing gets rough and my chest hurts. Bouts of depression are becoming frequent.
In 2014, I had a two-position anterior cervical discectomy and fusion. What that means is that the C5 -C6 were fused AND the C6-C7 were fused, meaning these were cleaned out, the disc removed, bone removed, and the vertebra were fused together.
In 2017, I had a one position anterior cervical discectomy and fusion at the C3-C4 position.
My energy levels have crashed, I gain weight easily, and now I have been diagnosed with Type II diabetes.
My skin is more blotchy than ever, it gets red and angry without the usual triggers.
And I will be 50 in November 2017.
The future looks bleak.
I could let the darkness take me. That would be easy. Become more and more debilitated until the simplest of movements hurts beyond reason. Allow the depression to close on me again. Slog through each day just waiting to get back in bed to sleep.
I could do that....
OR I could do something else.
The following is stated with sarcasm and skepticism. After reading multiple blogs, magazines, and other non-scientific articles, it seems that I can:
-- Pump up my energy with supplements
-- Solve my rosacea through colonic irrigation
-- Get gastric bypass and all my issues will disappear (Kudos to those that got this and did well, I know too many people that have problems for this to be viable for me)
-- Eat my way out of depression
-- And a ton more that I don't want to list.
End sarcasm and skepticism.
OR I could try something new FOR ME: Taking care of myself, everyday.
Here is the catch: I am almost 50. Over the years, I have said this, I am going to take care of myself. And it ends with nothing. Sometimes I do well for a short period of time, then !BAM! right back to what I was doing before. So why would I think I can do it now? Can people change habits? Are these habits or is how I treat myself ingrained or malleable? What does it take to change? Can change that was initiated outside myself (ex. bribes or a trainer) lead to lasting results?
Above are just some of the questions I have. I am not about to start yet another blog having to do with weight loss. I want to answer questions about myself, explore research in nutrition, exercise, genetics and biochemistry, and just be. No more "I want to lose XX pounds before YY." No more "I will never eat XX again." No more fighting in my head, no more "bad/good." What I want now is to spend the rest of my life asking questions, about myself, about others, about how we got here, and about how we let go. No shame, no guilt, and no delusions. I am almost 50, I am okay with making progress rather than getting to any particular point.
The first question I am exploring is: Do I want to do this? And by this, I mean take care of myself. Really taking care of myself is about eating better and choosing more nutritious foods, cooking more and exploring not only techniques but also the science behind cooking and eating, getting up and out or exercising more, not just exercising but adding activity all day long. Taking care of myself involves more than eating and exercise. I am going to explore relaxation/stress reduction, hobbies, social networks, and how I relate to my work/home life. Taking care of myself means looking at my relationships and figuring out how I may be sabotaging them.
S do I want to do this? Do I want to put in the work? What if I do everything "right" and I still end up decrepit? Or what if after a year, I look in the mirror and thing "that's it?" Can I keep going? Even if I want to do this, do I have the internal ability to keep momentum going? Can I do this and not obsess about weight (really important this does not turn into a weight thing)?
And if I do want to put in the work, then I need to explore what is holding me back. That is not just a psych question. It is also about the microbiome, current physiological profile, and other factors no one ever discusses.
Let's say I do want to do this, I am highly motivated. I have to come to some kind of internal acceptance that if I live long enough, I will still be old.
For today, I want to do this.
What exactly is this? I will be blogging about current nutritional advice, science, and weirdness. I will be looking at and trying out some of this stuff. I will talk about exercise science, exercising, and complaining about exercising. I will be using myself and my SO (kind of) as guinea pigs and testing new research on us. I am going to really learn to cook. I am going to get outside. And I am going to write down whether I hate it or love it. And I will record all of it here. Or at least most of it. And there might be pictures, maybe.
Next post: Questions explored.
Days and hours have been spent dwelling on regrets, the past, and nostalgia. It hurts, is a waste of time, and the present gets lost.
A few years ago I started to have panic attacks. Full-blown. I start to shake, my vision goes wonky, my breathing gets rough and my chest hurts. Bouts of depression are becoming frequent.
In 2014, I had a two-position anterior cervical discectomy and fusion. What that means is that the C5 -C6 were fused AND the C6-C7 were fused, meaning these were cleaned out, the disc removed, bone removed, and the vertebra were fused together.
In 2017, I had a one position anterior cervical discectomy and fusion at the C3-C4 position.
My energy levels have crashed, I gain weight easily, and now I have been diagnosed with Type II diabetes.
My skin is more blotchy than ever, it gets red and angry without the usual triggers.
And I will be 50 in November 2017.
The future looks bleak.
I could let the darkness take me. That would be easy. Become more and more debilitated until the simplest of movements hurts beyond reason. Allow the depression to close on me again. Slog through each day just waiting to get back in bed to sleep.
I could do that....
OR I could do something else.
The following is stated with sarcasm and skepticism. After reading multiple blogs, magazines, and other non-scientific articles, it seems that I can:
-- Pump up my energy with supplements
-- Solve my rosacea through colonic irrigation
-- Get gastric bypass and all my issues will disappear (Kudos to those that got this and did well, I know too many people that have problems for this to be viable for me)
-- Eat my way out of depression
-- And a ton more that I don't want to list.
End sarcasm and skepticism.
OR I could try something new FOR ME: Taking care of myself, everyday.
Here is the catch: I am almost 50. Over the years, I have said this, I am going to take care of myself. And it ends with nothing. Sometimes I do well for a short period of time, then !BAM! right back to what I was doing before. So why would I think I can do it now? Can people change habits? Are these habits or is how I treat myself ingrained or malleable? What does it take to change? Can change that was initiated outside myself (ex. bribes or a trainer) lead to lasting results?
Above are just some of the questions I have. I am not about to start yet another blog having to do with weight loss. I want to answer questions about myself, explore research in nutrition, exercise, genetics and biochemistry, and just be. No more "I want to lose XX pounds before YY." No more "I will never eat XX again." No more fighting in my head, no more "bad/good." What I want now is to spend the rest of my life asking questions, about myself, about others, about how we got here, and about how we let go. No shame, no guilt, and no delusions. I am almost 50, I am okay with making progress rather than getting to any particular point.
The first question I am exploring is: Do I want to do this? And by this, I mean take care of myself. Really taking care of myself is about eating better and choosing more nutritious foods, cooking more and exploring not only techniques but also the science behind cooking and eating, getting up and out or exercising more, not just exercising but adding activity all day long. Taking care of myself involves more than eating and exercise. I am going to explore relaxation/stress reduction, hobbies, social networks, and how I relate to my work/home life. Taking care of myself means looking at my relationships and figuring out how I may be sabotaging them.
S do I want to do this? Do I want to put in the work? What if I do everything "right" and I still end up decrepit? Or what if after a year, I look in the mirror and thing "that's it?" Can I keep going? Even if I want to do this, do I have the internal ability to keep momentum going? Can I do this and not obsess about weight (really important this does not turn into a weight thing)?
And if I do want to put in the work, then I need to explore what is holding me back. That is not just a psych question. It is also about the microbiome, current physiological profile, and other factors no one ever discusses.
Let's say I do want to do this, I am highly motivated. I have to come to some kind of internal acceptance that if I live long enough, I will still be old.
For today, I want to do this.
What exactly is this? I will be blogging about current nutritional advice, science, and weirdness. I will be looking at and trying out some of this stuff. I will talk about exercise science, exercising, and complaining about exercising. I will be using myself and my SO (kind of) as guinea pigs and testing new research on us. I am going to really learn to cook. I am going to get outside. And I am going to write down whether I hate it or love it. And I will record all of it here. Or at least most of it. And there might be pictures, maybe.
Next post: Questions explored.
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