Start what? Finding myself, finding what I want to do with my life, find the things/passions that make me tick, finding my purpose, finding my usefulness. People are going to look at me weird. At 46, you are supposed to know these things. You spend your 20's discovering yourself, your 30's having a family and your 40's...what, I don't know.
I am taking voice lessons. I am now involved in local theater.
I want to learn to drive a motorcycle and see if I want to buy one. I want to drive a 1967 Mustang. Okay, maybe those are just shallow, mid-life crisis kinds of things. Or maybe they are things that fit with my personality. Wants and desires I have tamped down for 19 years so my ex wouldn't see me as shallow.
Here is where I will talk about my path. Do all those things to create the life I truly want. I will dream here, share my experiments, be playful, be reckless and fearless, question all my old beliefs, and ignore reality in favor of my own brand of fantasy. My own transformation.
Why this urgency inside, why am I pushing so hard? Because right now, I am anxious, sad, confused, terrified, unfulfilled. Right now, I hear from people and my own head that I am too old to be doing this, to be searching, to be acting like this, to want or have desires. Right now, I am terrified of making the wrong move, of finding out that I am not good enough or strong enough to actually become the person I want to be, or even being able to financially keep myself alive. Right now, I ache. I sit alone at night, after the family goes to sleep and wonder what the hell happened and how am I ever going to make a life from these scraps.
And right now, I am grateful. Grateful for this opportunity to discover myself, to pull out my strengths, to find the person I can be inside of me, to build a world where I am creative, beautiful, and wonderful. To find out how to love and be loved by friends, family and lovers. Right now, I am on my knees, with joyful tears in my eyes, praising the universe for sending me here and providing me this time.
thanksgiving for one, day four
18 hours ago