I really don't want this blog to turn into an angsty struggle with my demons. But there are days when negative thoughts simply overwhelm me (or anyone for that matter). And I hope that I can turn it around, maybe by putting it out for others to see (good lord, is that the brightest thing I have ever done?).
I need to be able to handle stress. And stress triggers all the guilt, shame, and self-criticism that can really send me into a tailspin. I have so many regrets; people I have hurt, choices I have made. The incident, itself, is likely small, probably forgotten by others. But for me, it inflates until I am portrayed in my mind as a monster.
What I never focus on are the kind acts I have done. Or the progress I have made. Or the things I have accomplished. Oh no, those things are nothing, any one could do them, it was all luck...look at all these negative things, these surely outweigh the positive.
And I notice that negative thoughts really can get hold when I am eating junk food. From this, I assume that nutrition may impact my moods (duh). But now I really want a Big Mac. And tired mixed with stress = really negative. So of course, I want to stay up and watch tv when I am not studying for the flippin' patent bar. Oh, and then there is the whole dehydration thing.
Recipe for happiness = give myself a break + breathe through the yelling in my head + whole nutritious food + water, lots of water + sleep + physical exercise.
Many years ago, after moving from the south, I got to see my first major snow storm. My fascination with snow ended with it. People tell me "Get outside, take up a snow-related sport, you will love it."
Downhill skiing - not rich enough and not close enough to any real skiing to make the effort.
Cross-country skiing - went around in a circle for a while. Meh.
Broom ball - terrified of all the really good players. They will take you out.
Ice skating - ironically, I kind of like it, but only when it's inside.
Hockey - see broom ball.
Curling - can't get over the laugh factor on that one.
Snowshoeing - I think I will just wait until Spring to go hiking.
Okay, so I am a complainer. I am sure that given enough time and effort, one of these would end up being a winter must have. But since my future winters (after this one) will be in the "OMG it's cold...at 40 degrees" I have run out of time. So I will spend the rest of my winter walking very slowly through snow and ice, praying I don't fall yet again, cursing the weather, feeling righteous in my cursing the weather, and refuse to have anything to do with snow unless it involves a free trip to Aspen or Tahoe. Just wait until I start bitching about the heat. I am real good at that.
I love that Cindy McCain stood up for gay rights. Civil rights are not a party issue. The right for two people who love each other to bind their union is a basic right, in my opinion. The only good thing, again in my opinion, that Dick Cheney ever said was his support for marriage for gay couples. And I was angry the day that Obama said that marriage was for a man and a woman.
It is hard for me to listen to politicians. The rhetoric and empty phrases makes me pull out my hair. And then the whole legislative process, grand standing, creation of complicated bills, and the sloppy logic sickens me.
I am not a Democrat or a Republican. I believe that government should have to balance its budget. I believe that waste of any kind, when it comes to taxpayers money, should be gleaned from any budget measures. I believe that education, health care and social services should be given much greater funding than currently. I believe that the states should have control on spending the money for these programs and the freedom to be as creative as possible because of the different demographics.
This is what I want. An efficiently run government where budgets are audited, bills are closely monitored for crap, and there exist people in politics that care about something more than their hair and reelection. I want to see more community involvement in social problems. I want people to understand that every child that is failed by the educational system is a problem for ALL of us. I want parents held accountable and teachers given the freedom to be as creative as needed to educate children. I want people to understand that everything is connected, that when your neighbor goes bankrupt because of medical bills and has his/her home foreclosed, guess who's property values are going to go down. I want people to realize that the farmer that sprays the crap out of his/her land because that's the way it's done creates water problems for everyone else. I want people to realize that run away budgets in government causes other countries to become nervous about the stability of our economy potentially leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I want people to realize that when unions negotiate for everything they can get without thinking about the survival of the company and, therefore, the survival of jobs, that affects everyone. I want people to realize that no accountability in corporations and corporate boardrooms leads to an "I am God" complex, which leads to all kinds of crap. And I would love for people to understand that alternative energy is a damn good thing if it means we never, ever have to be dependent on foreign oil again.
I WANT TO SEE OPTIONS PRIOR TO COLLAPSE RATHER THAN REACTIONS TO COLLAPSE.
I am just angry. Angry that the teabaggers have simplified all of the arguments to the point of being completely ridiculous. Angry that Pelosi doesn't seem interested in talking about health care in real terms. Angry that the Republicans are refusing to offer real solutions and instead point fingers at the Democrats. That even with a majority, the Democrats are still a bunch of whiny people that can't seem to stay on point.
On another note, I am feeling depressed, fat, ugly, and like a complete failure. This to shall pass. And I know it will pass faster if I exercise, meditate, and work on visualization. All of which is very hard for me because none of that is habit yet.
On another note, I dropped all of my potentially fun classes.
Never mind, I will try blogging again tomorrow. See if I might have better outlook.
and it's cloudy, really overcast. Portends or just winter?
Finished a job. So not working a lot this semester outside of school and Patent Bar review (please don't fail, please don't fail). Unfortunately, I panicked and piled on last minute classes. But three are going to be really fun (trial practice, pretrial and a seminar). I hear the seminar is sitting around, having a beer and listening to attorneys in the field talk about different subjects. Yep, my kind of class.
Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.
Now it's just a matter of waiting out the rest of the semester and get on with the bar.
My big excitement is an attempt to photo-document every day for the rest of my time in Minnesota. That's going to be interesting...Here's my carrel, here's the tv, here's my office, here's my classroom...yeah, you understand. I see you smirking out there. Well I will try to put together something a little more interesting than a collage of my television watching.
Love to all...I'm feeling touchie feelie today, but not in a litigious or illegal way.
English major - lab technician - Ph.D. in science - Postdoctoral positions from biogeochemistry to molecular - Law school.
Am I a dilettante? One definition that hurts - an amateur who engages in an activity without serious intentions and who pretends to have knowledge. Am I a pretender?
Or does my head just yell at me to much about other things.
Where is my focus?
Over the next few weeks, I have to study my butt off for the Patent Bar, but after that, I would like to really delve into what my passion is. Or if I just need to find passion in what I am doing right now.
In 15 weeks this will all be a bad dream. I will be working after that (well after the bar). We will be moving. And we will start settling in to the last place I hope to ever live (I have moved around a lot in the last decade). And we will be near family, which will be nice.
I got up early on a Saturday and went to my first Weight Watcher's meeting. Every Saturday from now on (yes, I realize I will miss a few), I will be heading to the WW mt and then taking a really long walk (the place is where it is really nice to walk).
So I feel like I got something done today that benefited me, not just some vague sense that in the future this will be helpful (Patent Bar).
I have a feeling I am going to have difficulty tracking food and exercise. My plan is to use my iTouch for something more helpful than simply being pretty.
Ah, only numerous pounds to go, but at least I went.
Of course, now my head is screaming at me that I have to lose it all before I start my firm job. Without major surgery that is fairly impossible unless I suddenly embrace the feeling of hunger. Please don't let this voice in my head ruin things. I hate that voice. It's always "don't you remember every other time you have failed at..." Weight loss, careers, relationships. That voice never shuts up and it can make the most minor mistakes seem the most catastrophic. And what it does with really huge failures is no less than a masterpiece. If that voice would shut up, my life would be so much better. It whispers to me, right now, that it is there to keep me from failing. That if it wasn't there, I would never do anything. That's a set of lies I believed for a long time. But now, I see that every time I fail, it has more to do with agreeing with that voice than my own efforts.
Just a little psych for all two that read this. Remember, you can be 42 and still have all of the anxiety and angst of a 12 year old.
it's two weeks before classes start and only one class has released its syllabus and book list. So once again, the profs don't give a shit that textbooks are a million bucks a book that could be purchased cheaper with enough time prior to classes beginning. Gotta love it. Especially since most of them will reuse the same syllabus from last semester or last year.
Blah...I take the PTO Feb 18. If I fail, I can take it again. Thank goodness, because I am not doing to well on the practice exams.
I will be studying my butt off until then. But, oh boy, listening to these lectures is like watching syrup pour, very slowly from a bottle. And you are strapped to a chair, forced to watch every last drop to escape. And then there is this long strand of syrup that is completely indecisive...well, you get the idea.
I am having a bit of a problem getting started on eating clean. The problem is two-fold. I want to eat out all the time. And I haven't really made enough of an effort to cook. So in order for this to work, I guess I am going to have to nut-up, clean house, and cook.
I really want to do this.
And we are doing it on $75/week. That should be plenty of money, but that is the budget. If I can get it below $50/week, that would be awesome. But we are starting at the high end and eventually getting to the lower number.