Suck grades...Oh how that hurt.

Well, after thinking that I could easily handle law school, I come to learn I was very wrong. In fact, I was incredibly WRONG. And everyone that said scientists seem to have the hardest time their first year was RIGHT.

And for some bizarre reason, this isn't the end of the world. Oh, I cried like a baby for about an hour. Read through biotech job advertisements. But I came out of it, just like that.

First hour:
Scared I had made a huge mistake and screwed everything up.
Terrified that I had disappointed my DH (he moved here with me for this).
Terrified that I had put us in a horrible position, me with bad grades and no job prospects.
Crushed that so many people seemed to get it and I couldn't
Angry that I was even doing this and angry at professors and the school and anyone else
Ultimately, angry with myself for not doing better, trying harder, studying longer, etc.

Second hour: Coming out of that. Just kind of emerging. Then smiling and realizing that bad grades were not going to kill me. So what if I couldn't clerk for the Supreme Court now. I'm 40, I want a job in this area with good benefits. I want a challenging career where I can make a good salary. I did want big law, but even that is not impossible.

Third hour: Having dinner with a few people, including a judge and having the judge say "Don't quit." Having the other two people talk about law and why we are here. Just getting into the whole idea of being here for something more than grades.

Past two days. Being happy to be involved in this. Realizing that there are a lot of people who are going to do better than I am or be smarter than I am or take tests better than I do. Being more motivated than I have felt in weeks. And just not caring about grades.

This is one of those epiphanies. I can finally be happy for others. I can be happy with myself. And I can learn from my mistakes.

Now, who the hell stole my brain and replaced it with Polly Sunshine?

Still having some motivation problems

But I am going to alter my attitude. Instead of bitching about law school, I am going to spend the next 8 weeks smiling and loving being here. I know it's difficult and it's fun to rant about all of the things that are wrong with it. But I think all of this bitching has gone bone deep for me.

Also, I am going to try to keep forefront in my mind the reasons I am here. (1) I grew to really dislike my previous job and (2) I wanted a new challenge that carried more benefits. And a small part of my decision, to allow my DH time to write.

So, if you see someone in the halls smiling widely and talking about the joys of law school, please don't hit me.