Friday, April 6, 2007

Confusion hurts everyone

Being confused about the course of my career hurts me as well as my family. You see, they are waiting for a final decision. This decision involves whether or not to move to another state, whether or not to take out massive student loans, and leaving a career in which I have prepared for close to 18 years.

I started out as a lab technician in a biotech company years ago. I decided I liked working in a lab and could make more money if I had a Master's. So I got the Master's. Then went on for a Ph.D., which took much, much longer than it should have. Now I have spent 4 years in postdoctoral positions. I know I don't like teaching. I am pretty sure I wouldn't enjoy being faculty in other areas either, such as committee work. But I still like the science. I have just felt that in the past couple of years, I shouldn't be doing science.

1. Spending large chunks of time avoiding working. I mean large, as in days. Then working nonstop to catch-up for weeks. And then not disciplining myself into a regular schedule.
2. Dread when I wake up, not wanting to go to work, not wanting to interact with anyone.
3. More and more isolating myself from people. I do not socialize any more. I have stopped doing anything other than work and avoid work.
4. Having a difficult time mustering up the enthusiasm to put together projects.

Does this mean that I am done? Does this mean that I should push off and find another career? Or does this mean that I need to take a step back, shut-up, and start taking this more seriously?

I don't know what to do. I am at an impasse and it sucks. Not only for me but everyone around me.

I hate this.

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