Low day

I am getting tired, depressed, and I want to pull out of it. I can feel it creeping in. The almost crying, the sleeping a little later everyday, the lack of energy, watching TV instead of studying.

This scares me because I need to do better on exams this semester if I am going to be competitive. But in my head I hear that voice saying, "do it tomorrow." God, this is hard and ego-crushing. I left a career (okay, so I didn't like it) to be in school and get rejected on nearly a daily basis. Newest development, I can get rejected from a job in less than 24 hours. In the span of 3 days, I get turned down from multiple jobs.

I watch these folks just out of undergrad getting jobs and all I can ask is why? And I haven't screwed up an interview...I don't get interviews.

This whole experience is killing me. I sound like this is so poor me. But, good lord, I am having a problem with this whole keeping a positive attitude shit. So I am in a bad mood, but still need to do the right thing and study.

Suck grades...Oh how that hurt.

Well, after thinking that I could easily handle law school, I come to learn I was very wrong. In fact, I was incredibly WRONG. And everyone that said scientists seem to have the hardest time their first year was RIGHT.

And for some bizarre reason, this isn't the end of the world. Oh, I cried like a baby for about an hour. Read through biotech job advertisements. But I came out of it, just like that.

First hour:
Scared I had made a huge mistake and screwed everything up.
Terrified that I had disappointed my DH (he moved here with me for this).
Terrified that I had put us in a horrible position, me with bad grades and no job prospects.
Crushed that so many people seemed to get it and I couldn't
Angry that I was even doing this and angry at professors and the school and anyone else
Ultimately, angry with myself for not doing better, trying harder, studying longer, etc.

Second hour: Coming out of that. Just kind of emerging. Then smiling and realizing that bad grades were not going to kill me. So what if I couldn't clerk for the Supreme Court now. I'm 40, I want a job in this area with good benefits. I want a challenging career where I can make a good salary. I did want big law, but even that is not impossible.

Third hour: Having dinner with a few people, including a judge and having the judge say "Don't quit." Having the other two people talk about law and why we are here. Just getting into the whole idea of being here for something more than grades.

Past two days. Being happy to be involved in this. Realizing that there are a lot of people who are going to do better than I am or be smarter than I am or take tests better than I do. Being more motivated than I have felt in weeks. And just not caring about grades.

This is one of those epiphanies. I can finally be happy for others. I can be happy with myself. And I can learn from my mistakes.

Now, who the hell stole my brain and replaced it with Polly Sunshine?

Still having some motivation problems

But I am going to alter my attitude. Instead of bitching about law school, I am going to spend the next 8 weeks smiling and loving being here. I know it's difficult and it's fun to rant about all of the things that are wrong with it. But I think all of this bitching has gone bone deep for me.

Also, I am going to try to keep forefront in my mind the reasons I am here. (1) I grew to really dislike my previous job and (2) I wanted a new challenge that carried more benefits. And a small part of my decision, to allow my DH time to write.

So, if you see someone in the halls smiling widely and talking about the joys of law school, please don't hit me.

Law School Motivation

Why is second semester so much less energizing than first semester? I am barely motivated to read the cases.

And Criminal Law is not criminal statutes. I wish I was one of those that liked theory. I understand it and can speak the lingo. But lord, for some reason, I find it boooorrrrrinnngg. Which is a shame as my crim law professor is a super star.

Noticed this a month ago

So I am starting to look around at the different law firms and noticed something. There are no fat first-year associates. This has frightened me somewhat as I am obese. I know that people like me. I know that I am smart. But I also know that people unconsciously judge. Knowing that, I am starting a new program. It's a medically supervised liquid diet. But it's not just a liquid diet. I spend 12 weeks on a liquid diet, 6 weeks transition to real food, and then 52 weeks (yes, an entire year) of slow loss to reach a final goal and then maintenance.

Am I doing this just for the job search? Hell no. I want to bend over and not lose my breath. I want to walk up stairs without wanting to die. Do I have to go on a liquid diet? Nope. But I want to do it this way for a number of reasons, not the least of which is I am motivated by results. Plus there are at least 2 very good scientific studies that show that people that complete the entire program have a much better chance to keep off the weight (58% maintained their weight loss at the 5 year mark).

Anywhoo, I quit smoking, I changed careers at 40, I went into science when people said I couldn't handle it, etc. I can do this.

Blog takedown

What is going on with the law blogs coming down? I miss Legal Spanking and Law Bitches.

Law exams blew. I was supremely shocked at how subjective they were. I knew they would be hard and I guess I did okay, but at least one of them was extremely off base.

Plans for break.
Week 1 down - slept a lot, did a few errands, applied for a few summer jobs, got turned down for a few jobs. I don't think I am going to have one of those amazingly well-paid summer internships. I don't mind. I will likely go for an RA, take classes, or do an externship. I am kind of hoping to graduate early to start making the bling sooner.

Week 2: clean my pig sty of a house. And yes, this will take all week.

Week 3 and 4: work on a project for about 2 weeks. I will clean that up and stop having that hanging over my head. That will be wonderfully freeing.

Then it's back to the grind. I actually already miss it.

Hope everyone out there is doing well and having a good break. As for me, I feel great, sleepy, but great.

Knowing you are crashing and not being able to do a damn thing about it.

What I should be doing:
1. Outlining
2. Reading and briefing for this week

What I am doing:
1. Staring into space
2. Not studying

I woke up today feeling fine. Then DH woke and was almost screaming with pain. I got him to the hospital and now I am worried about leaving him alone. He is fine now and will likely be fine in the next few days. But he is never like that and it scared me. It was like seeing the future now, realizing one day one of us was going to be gone. And for some reason I am having real difficulty getting back on track.

Personal problems suck.