Sunday, May 13, 2007

Hate my job

I took a week off to get a few things done before leaving. I pray that my hubby gets the job that allows me to leave my work in summer. I can't stand going to work any more. I have had jobs I hate, I did them and left it at the end of the day leaving everything behind me. But this is worse because I no longer care about it, at all. I dread going back tomorrow. I dread having to be in lab or to write or analyze data. I just do not want to do it any more. And yet, I have no choice. None at all. I don't work, we don't move, etc. I hate not having money.

My career used to be so important to me. I loved what I did. I dropped friends and family for work. I never made connections because of my work. Then one day, I woke up and realized that I have no close friendships, my family barely knows me, and my husband and I were on the verge of divorce. Added to that, my work provided nothing any more, I hated it. I am not sure why I became so obsessive. What I traded for my career: My health (I am now obese), my energy (I sleepwalk through the day because of burnout and overwork), my joy (I have very little enthusiasm for anything). In many ways, I completely self-destructed in this career. While I am to blame for the vast majority of where I am today, I also think a little responsibility should be heaped on those in this field that continually harp on the "not taking vacations," "it's a calling, not a job" bullshit. Advisors, others, all saying these things. I blame myself for buying into this bizarre way of life. It's not this way for some. Many people have advisors that want them to have a life. Not yell at them when they leave for Christmas.

Here is my problem. People want these publications to come out. That's fine, I understand. The research was done, the publications need to be done. But I DO NOT WANT TO DO IT. Am I being selfish? Is it okay to be selfish? I want to send all the data and analyses and manuscripts to the different authors and say, "Go ahead, write it. I don't want it and I am not going to do it." But I did the work, I should follow it through. I feel like I haven't really completed that phase until these publications are sent out. I am in a moral quagmire.

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