Monday, May 14, 2007

What I don't want to do

I don't want to go to law school and have a rehash of every other endeavor I have attempted. I want to do my best without losing my soul. I want to work very hard and then take time off. I want to not compare myself to everyone within days of starting. I want to drop the chip on my shoulder.

I got a Ph.D. but I didn't do as well as I wanted or could have. Yes, I am going to the law school that I want to attend, but I got into very few. I'm not like all those out there that are agonizing where to go. I got into 4, only 1 in the top 20. That was the one I really wanted to go to, so I am lucky. But I hear things like, well, it's not T14 or top 10 or whatever. I don't want to feel bad about this. I am in a good program, where I wanted to be.

What I have not done in my life that I planned to do:
1. I never joined Peace Corps
2. I did poorly in undergraduate
3. I didn't bust out double digit publications
4. I still spend far too much time watching television
5. Lose weight, get in shape
6. Run a marathon
7. Be popular (huh?)
There are many, many others. I can't believe that my self confidence is still so low after all these years.

This is a random entry because I haven't slept very well for weeks and I am losing a lot of perspective here.

I have been depressed about where I am in my life. In high school, I thought I could achieve so much, help so many people. Now I just feel like a failure. I need to go to bed soon.


Redacted in Camera said...

Welcome to the blawgging community! With as much experience in higher education as you have, I'm sure things will be fine for you the next few years. It'll be hard--oh, I expect it'll be quite hard--but you can do it.

Good luck!

Eliza said...

Thanks, I hope it won't be a huge shock. I am terrified as I haven't been on the other side of the classroom in a long time.