Sunday, September 16, 2007

Self sabotage and other realizations

It's hard for a sane, intelligent, fairly accomplished person to admit, but I self-sabotage all of the time. I am doing it right now.

And I hate myself for it. Every time I walk away from my desk KNOWING that I absolutely need to finish that assignment (or paper or proposal or experiment), I feel self-loathing.

I do not want a repeat of the PhD. I do not want, a year from now, to think, "Yeah, I would have had _____, but I didn't work hard enough." I want to not care so much about Law Review, Moot Court, Fancy BigLaw Firm, and everything else. I want, REALLY want, to do my best and be happy with that. I want to work hard and be happy with my efforts. Because behind the sabotage lies the ugly truth. I am terrified I am not good enough to be on Law Review, get picked for BigLaw, etc. And what it boils down to is that I am not good enough.

Eww, enough realizations today. I'm going back to CivPro.


Anastasia said...

Law Review, bah. Trust me, if it doesn't happen, it's not the end of the world. Just give it your best and don't judge yourself according to other people. At one school you might easily make law review, at another bottom of the class. It's totally relative to whatever bubble you're living in and possibly means very little over the long haul. Concentrate on learning the material and becoming a good lawyer.

Eliza said...

Thanks. I am trying to put things in perspective. I think I am rather susceptible to others. Basically, listening to people discuss law review and how much they want to get on makes me think I should want it.