Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Not tired and feeling contrite

I realized today that I have been expecting my DH to shoulder far more than he should. I have been angry that he hasn't been doing everything I wanted him to do. And it finally hit me today how self-centered I have been. Yes, I have a hard summer before school. Yes, I have had to travel for a good bit of the summer as well as squeeze everything in, but he has been balancing the home front (lots of animals), work, dealing with past work, worrying about our finances, worrying about his own career direction, and having to listen to me bitch and nag. And I am likely being passive-aggressive as well.

Okay, I am going to sit back, apologize, try to redistribute what I need to do and what I can take off his shoulders (he took so much off mine so these trips of mine were a lot less hectic).

Sometimes my level of self-centeredness scares me. I know that I am that way. I am a weird product of my childhood. I was an only child that was either ignored or treated like an adult, yet I still think the world revolves around me. I think that comes from making my own world and thinking that I was much more mature than I really was. It's difficult to learn anything if you believe you are more mature than the person you should be learning from.

I hope I can juggle law school and everything else.

And I hope I don't push my husband away.


Zuska said...

As long as you're aware, and perhaps find a way to keep yourself aware, you can do it.

I took the bar exam this past summer, and put a LOT on my husband (all that you listed, plus, uh, 2 kids and travel plans for a trip to Europe). I was very self centered, and sometimes, knew how obnoxious I sounded.

At the same time, these are times that only happen once. Pre-law school prep and stress only happens once, and it IS a big deal. The bar exam, which will happen in 3 years, will (hopefully) only happen once, and I think it will be even WORSE than what you're going through now (based on my own experience).

Apologize, be aware, and do your best. Also try to together acknowledge that this is a hard time, and you are needy.

It will be okay.

AllofaSudden said...

I have caught myself doing this a couple times too...I'll get bitter that he didn't unload the dishwasher and here I am studying for law school while he is doing something I view as "less important". When in reality it was me being self-centered and not valuing his time. I caught myself a few times getting mad about stuff that wouldn't have bothered me before. Hopefully we make it through law school without going completely nuts. :)

Eliza said...

I am really trying to stay focused on communicating. I don't want to be a statistic.

On the other hand, sometimes he just needs to do the damn dishes : )