Monday, November 6, 2017


Questions, indeed.

This was not an auspicious start.  So many days since the last post.  Ugh.  Well, what are my questions.  The first, the one that has been in my mind the most lately is "What is the point in all of it?"  Because I have no idea.  Maybe I knew what the point was when I was working in science.  I felt like I was working toward something, at least adding to something.  Now I just feel like I am bobbing along until I am dead.  No point, no nothing, really. 

Does there have to be a point?  I don't believe in a god, I don't believe in an afterlife.  So maybe that is why I struggle, I don't believe that we are here for a reason.  Is that okay?  Do I need to create a point?

And why all of the nostalgia lately.  I have been wishing to go back so much lately, I am almost surprised I haven't through sheer will.  It's that strange sense that I was happier then, things were better then.  But that is utter bullshit and I know it.  I hated high school and had a hard time in college, all due to undiagnosed ADHD.  So I felt stupid all of the time. Etc., etc. 

Going back, does it represent undoing mistakes? Why don't I choose to undo them now, by learning not to do that thing (procrastinate, eat chocolate until I am sick) now and move on? 

I really hate where I am at right now.  I am getting older, I am getting sicker, and I do not seem to be doing enough to help the part I can actually do something about.  In part, going back means not having to deal with the issues as they are right now.  I can start at a better health, a lower weight, knees that work, and a back that doesn't hurt.  But I would probably make the same choices and get the same results.  Or not, I don't know.  But I do know one very important thing.  I can't go back, I can never go back.  And I need to be okay with that.  Somehow.