Friday, July 30, 2010

In 14 days...

I need to clean, dump extraneous clothes and other personal items, pack the entire house, get my SS card and passport, take the animals to the vet, have someone come in to do some repair work and look at putting in washer and dryer in the apartment, change our address for all our stuff (with exceptions), prep for the guy taking care of the house, take the car in for an overhaul, schedule a moving van and helpers, get boxes, clear out some of the garden, cut down the bushes in the back, rewrite the lease, say good-bye to friends, schedule new service in new town, sell some things on Craigslist (do I sell the giant elliptical that is really awesome but in a really awkward the back of a VW), take books to be sold, start studying for the Patent Bar, get my hair cut/colored, drive two days with a UHaul, my car, and screaming freaked out animals, entertain and reject the idea of a mani/pedi, cook, lose weight, and walk on water.

All this and more in 14 days...14 glorious non-Barbri days. I plan to enjoy each and every moment in which I do not have to open a barbri book or listen to a lecture or flash cards at my face. I plan to have drinks in the middle of the day, while packing. Listen to loud music and dance around the house. I will hug my vet and say how glad I am that he is not a law prof. I am giddy, I tell you giddy. And if that f***ing exam f***'s this up by not passing me...well, needless to say I will be upset.

Is it terribly awful to say "needless to say?" I mean if it is needless, then it need not be said, right? So why use the phrase at all, because if you say it, more than likely, unless you are conversing with telepaths, it needed to be said, at least you needed to say it. Am I wrong about this?

How out of the loop am I? I just saw "It's Complicated" tonight. The netflix movie has been sitting on my shelf for about 2 months.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

And it is over...for now

Yes, I am excited to walk out of the exam and be done. But I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can already remember things that I should have included or confusing some things. AND WHY THE HELL DID I NOT KNOW RULE OF DUMPOR'S CASE. I seriously did not ever hear that rule, ever.

If I fail, that's okay. I am pretty sure my firm has a two-strikes rule (please, hopefully). And I at least have a good start (oh good lord, more studying, yeah that's all I need).

I just need the minimum, just the minimum.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Tomorrow, the Exam starts

I have to admit, I have been doing a lot of weeping at odd moments this week. I don't like myself this way. But I am worried about passing. Yes, I know I can take it again in February. And I might not get fired from my firm if I fail (as long as I pass the second time around).

I just realize that I have so little recall right now. It's like everything is stuck in a doorway and nothing will come out. I just have to hope that over the next three days, something will give and every thing will come pouring out.

One last thing, for any one reading this at the 1 or 2L stage. Take Secured Transactions and Commercial Paper. Yes, Barbri teaches these, but it would have been a lot easier to have had a foundation. Family, Wills and Trusts are not difficult concepts, but yikes, I hate Commercial Paper.

Oh, and check your state's exam requirements. You may be lucky and they don't test ST or CP.

I feel so small right now.

Monday, July 19, 2010

One more before the bar

I am studying furiously now (in wild and stormy manner). I converse on nothing except the bar exam. I am truly the most boring person on earth right now. I have told my DH to please not try to have conversations with me because I am only allowing 20 minute breaks for most things.

The bar exam and accompanied studying are only temporary, but a major difficulty is getting someone in your life to truly believe that it is temporary, you are not yourself, and what you need right at that moment may seem truly selfish. My DH was a little peeved that I took time (about an hour) to sit and watch TV before I went to sleep last night instead of talking to him. I didn't want to talk to him because that would require (1) interaction and energy and (2) me giving a crap right now about someone else. Yeah I know how that sounds, but when he starts in about his day, RIGHT NOW, I don't care. Two weeks from now I will care again.

So to all those people that have to be in contact with bar studiers, this is what you need to understand. Taking the bar is an entirely self-centered process. For 8-10 weeks, the person that you love, like, are friends with, will turn you down for most invitations, whether or not that bar taker takes time off or not. Please don't take offense and for f*** sake don't lump more stress on the bar taker by making them feel guilty. This is the only control a bar taker has, what they do with the precious few minutes they allow themselves during this time. For me, I just don't want to deal with any one else's shit, so I don't tend to interact with others (except DH and a few other bar takers). Please don't think I don't like you, it will go away in 2 weeks.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Yeah, that previous post on getting through panic

Not so much. I am not in the fetal position, but DH turned on the TV last night (I study in the dining room which is open to the TV room) and you would have thought he just kicked my cat across the room. We compromised. He turned the sound down as far as he could without lip reading, I moved my chair so I couldn't see it and put in ear plugs. Oh happy day. I wish I could disable the damn thing.

So while I am not FREAKING, I am freaking.

And I am with NB, if one more person attempts to assure me that I will have no problem passing the bar exam I will yank their spine from their body ala Predator.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

T-9 days

Exactly 9 days from today I will be sitting in a large room with about 500 other people praying (me and everyone else. No atheists in foxholes or bar exams).

Just to apprise folks, I spent an evening freaking out. Nothing was working (breathing, exercise, etc), so I just went with it. I cried, muffled screams with a pillow, imagined the most horrible consequences of failing (right down to an ex yelling across a crowded room about how he heard I had failed my bar exam). And then I realized that all of this could happen and it really wouldn't be that awful. I mean it would be pretty bad if I failed, but (1) I can take it again and (2) really, failing a test has me in a fetal position.

I know I am rambling, but try to follow me here. I was sitting, rocking back and forth, when it simply dawned on me how ridiculous I was acting. Yes, it is stressful. Yes, I have days of unending studying. And yes, the wait will be excruciating. But I won't be in physical pain (except what I put myself in) and I won't die. It's paper. A test. Good lord, you would think I was in a war torn country with live fire all around me. I suppose what I am trying to say is, you make your own hell. I made it then I chose to walk out of it. Thanks Butterflyfish, I needed that!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

How do you stop panic?

By now, I expected to be doing better on Barbri tests. I have gotten worse. Where I was acing contracts, I am now lucky to get 2 in 5 right. Torts, yeah, not so good. I am terrified to try any more essays. I am at the point where I want to give up. Just say, I can't do this. I don't want to take this test and fail. I would rather, right now, simply give up.

What do you guys do to control this or at least vent it? I have tried meditation, exercise, and, yes, a drink. And the horrible and continued berating going on (you should have started sooner, you should have kept up better, you should have...).

12 more days, just 12 more days.

T-12 days

The last days where the cramming begins. Studies show that the information within a 2-week period is the information that sticks the best. Memory obstacles = tired, stress, anxiety, and poor nutrition. Conditions during the last 2 weeks of bar review = tired, stressed, anxious, and eating crap.

Everyone I have seen over the last week looks exactly like me. Crazy eyes, slightly disheveled, hair slightly dirty, even though washed that day, comes from running your hands through hair all day. Some are worse (please dear god take a shower). Some seem to be handling it better (take a close look though...pens chewed, paper frayed).


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Life sucks, how are you?

I am failing all my practice tests. I can't seem to remember anything from day to day. And I am within inches of a meltdown of epic proportions, which will likely be triggered in the grocery store, in my living room, or in another store of some kind. I think it will likely be public and I fear for the safety of any person that is confronted with a raging, crying, sobbing, psycho that I will become.

So, how's your day?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Bilski was a punt and other news

The only real other news is that Barbri is horrible. I can stand it, though it at least has an end.

With other news, we have a house available in the place that I have my job. It's definitely a fixer upper, but I am looking forward to eventually doing that. I want a home that I can finally make my own. And I plan to change the hell out of this house. I have already, in my head, torn down walls, recreated rooms, bought new appliances, and redone the outside. I have even added windows. Well, it's more fun than Barbri.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Questionable Exam

ARRRGGGG. Okay, I know it's no big deal, most folks fail the practice MBE. Yep, I did a stellar dive. Don't want to discuss it, not pretty, nothing to see here. That alters the next 3 weeks.

Anywhoo, I am driving to the city where I am taking the bar exam. People, especially husband, thinks I am insane. You see this drive is approximately 20 hours. Yes, you read that correctly.

Why drive? One main reason, flying makes me nervous in good times. But from one experience, I have found that if I am stressed out over something, flying becomes a nightmare. That wouldn't be a big deal on a nonstop or even a one-stop flight. But noooo, that would be right. Because of the limitations I have (my husband insisted that I use the free ticket), I would have to have 3 layovers. Yeah, idiotic.

AND I love to drive. I absolutely love it, getting out there, putting on some music or book on tape or even a Bar Bri lecture, I have fun on the road. And by making this one little change, drive instead of fly, I spend my days really looking forward to this trip! Took a lot of stress out of my days.