Sunday, December 19, 2010

Working Through Molasses

Is it possible to repair an impression?

I have found that I am slow. I take forever to get research done. It's a remnant from being a researcher and feeling the need to make sure all avenues are investigated. No one said anything, my hours are fine, but I heard a bit from a secondary source. And so I talked to a couple of people. And sure enough, there is a feeling that I take too long for research.

So now I have to repair my reputation. Is it possible to alter this impression? Any advice would be appreciated.

And I know I am a first year, all first year's are slow, etc. But this is beyond that. At least two people have told me that they were reticent about giving me a project (even though they did) because of the time I take.


Thursday, December 9, 2010

What's there to say?

I can't talk about the work except in generalities. I am tired most of the time and would prefer to sleep. And I am focusing on losing weight. And taking over the world. Or at least my corner of it.

Eventually, I am going to start posting again. Stay tuned.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


So how many of you have stopped going to movies, instead looking them up on The Movie Spoiler or Wikipedia? I have. My patience has recently undergone a vast reduction. I wasn't all that patient to begin with and now I can't even go for 2 hours in a movie theater unless there are tons of explosions (or animated..WTH?).

What has my life become? What next, 30-sec synopsis of TV shows? Reading the end of books first (yeah, okay I have done that)? Oh well, I would rather read the movie most of the time any way. I just saved myself from watching the entirety of "He's Just Not That Into You."

On the work front, I am learning that people make some initial assumptions about you when they find out you are an attorney. I am a complete science geek. I am interested in everyone's work and can think of nothing better than spending the day listening to a scientist talking about their research. When they find out you are an attorney, some get suspicious about motives. That's okay and not everyone is this way. I would say 1 out of 5 people I talk to are this way. And it's not a bad thing. They don't immediately kick me out or anything. It's just going to take a while for me to convince them that my first interest is their work. There business is secondary.

People have also been very kind as well. People I know I will not likely work with them have been really great.

Now to drop tons of weight and become an athlete. Almost every damn attorney in my office (and ALL the women, including the staff) is thin, healthy, and athletic. It's my own self-consciousness, but I would like to not be the odd man out.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

English is beyond me today

I must have spent over an hour reading a paragraph in a restrictive covenant. It wasn't even legalese. I couldn't focus.

So does anyone have any ideas on how to deal with focusing issues? I have moments like this and there are days I don't want to record billing because I am unsure if me attempting to relearn English qualifies as work for a client (kidding).

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Sleep for a couple of days please

I want to sleep for a few days. I am pathetic. I have been working for only 10 weeks (approximately). And I already want a long vacation weekend to sleep. I need more exercise.

Remember all those people yelling about nutrition and exercise, etc. It's especially important for a young associate.

And I have a neighborhood full of kids, but no trick-or-treaters yet (7:15). I bought gobs of candy so all of it is going to the office tomorrow.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

The downside to this job

I am working at home instead of going to a Halloween party. It's kind of my fault. I was so scattered last week that I am behind in a couple of things that I need to get out by Monday. So weekend working is the way to go.

Alternatively, I am in PJ's and not showering. So all is not lost.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Long hours makes me fat and pimply

So those of you that know me or read this, know I am already overweight, well fat. But my weight had started going down over the summer. Now I am struggling to hold on to the loss and expand (subtract) on that. But my office is against me, they are all against me.

Candy in all the offices.

Doughnuts in the kitchen.

Pizza to help us get through the evening. Or sandwiches. Or chips. Or greasy Chinese.

I feel gross. I feel tired and not from overwork. I feel ick.

How do the attorneys in my office stay so trim, fit, clear-eyed, and well, clear skinned? How do they eat well and seem never to be all that tired?

And how is it that I can be this smart (don't laugh, my mom told me I was smart) and still eat crap, ignore exercise and ignore my health. That's the conundrum. When you look at the statistics, I should be thin, healthy and athletic. Well-educated combined with career choices. But nnnnnooooooo.

To work long hours, really put those hours in the billable column, I need to have a radical change in attitude. Your health is so important. And being older, I can't just function on adrenaline, coffee and cigarettes any more (no worries, I don't smoke any more).

And my skin looks like hell.

Yes, I am shallow. My skin bothers me more than the burgeoning heart attack.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

What the hell is up with this mole?

Okay, I really think that I am becoming a troll. A huge zit on my neck, my freakin' neck, on the side. My face is getting redder, blotchy. Broken blood vessels on my nose and cheeks. Dark circles. And now moles. One on my neck growing in leaps and bounds. Two just appeared on my jawline.

It's time that I sat my parents down and asked what the hell!!! I mean, why am I becoming a troll. Is it some bizarre pact they made with the devil to be comfortably middle-class. They really shot low.

I am having one of the ugliest days I have had in a long time. I think it's time to find a cosmetic dermatologist to do lots of things to my face and neck.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Why a Start-Up Company REALLY Needs Intellectual Property Advice From the Beginning

The biggest surprise of being an attorney (I passed the bar, so I am an attorney now!!), which it shouldn't have been, is that people do not think of so many issues when it comes to their own businesses. My example is going to come from the inventor's perspective.

A person, scientist or engineer, develops a great idea, truly something revolutionary. They find the money, either from a private investor, a bank (HA!!), or family and friends. They put together a business, rent space, hire help, file taxes. And along the way they do not set up a way to actually protect their intellectual property. The issue is, they do not need to immediately file for patent protection. But they do need to figure out a way to keep things secret. And for academics they really need to NOT PUBLISH A PAPER on the issue.

There are ways they can do this. And if they would take a few minutes with an IP attorney, doesn't have to be a patent attorney, just someone that knows about licensing, employment contracts and nondisclosure agreements.

Okay, so if you are developing a new business you aren't usually flush with cash. I just wish that these folks understood that the money spent now could save them from basically losing everything later. The consequences of making mistakes at the beginning can lead to:

1. An employee taking your IP
2. An inability to get a patent
3. Reverse engineered out from under you (which is not illegal)

And the ultimate ending is that you are sitting there, having completed all the research and development, put in the sweat time, and you have bupkiss.

I have seen the results twice now and each time I almost want to cry. Just imagine for a minute what that person (and you) feels like coming into your office and you have to tell them that there is little you can do. It sucks a lot.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

My 200th post...I didn't really think it would last

I just noticed that this will be my 200th post. The problem is I have nothing profound to say. What I was planning on blogging about is whether or not I can take over the world in the next 30 years. I figure at 73 I am going to want to retire. I mean think of all the folks that have a head start.

I am starting small. I figure I can sew up this town in about 1.5 years. Now the state is going to be a little harder. But with a few allies, I believe that is another 7. Southeast - 15. Yeah, the world is unlikely. I suppose I will be happy with my corner of the universe.

Me, coming to a corner near you.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

What to expect from being a first year associate...first 3 weeks

Day 1 - oh god, no one is giving me work. So few people have stopped by to say hello, I must be going to be shoved out soon.

Day 2 - AAAAAAAAA, I totally f'ed up that motion, good lord, they are going to fire me.

Day 3 - Wut? Busy, busy busy

Day 4 through 19 - busy busy busy.

First weekend, at the office, panicking because I have no idea what I am doing. I have to be committing legal malpractice. Okay, they are actually reviewing everything, not just tossing me in. Oh wait, no one is telling me what I am doing wrong...wait, no really, you, wait up, what did I do wrong...all of it? Oh, okay. Thanks for the feedback.

Second weekend, in a complete coma on the couch, crap I really have work to do, I should get to that, dear god let me just nap.

First 2.5 weeks in a nutshell. I LOVE IT.

And you are never, ever going to hear me say I wish I was back in law school. I love this, I am learning and putting all this to work and really DOING something. I don't care how busy I am, this is oh so much better than school. Excuse me, I need sleep.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Holy Beejeesus

Two weeks at work. Not at a huge law firm. Yet, this is my first weekend with some time.

Yay for work. Yay for a payday. Boo for not getting much time to move in. The house is still only partially unpacked.

Yay for having someone over for dinner tonight.

I am tired of having so little time to get things done. This will change once DH has relocated. I hope he won't be long.

More news to come.

Saturday, August 7, 2010


Wow, it's one week since I returned from Bar land and I have been really lazy, given the whole "I gotta move in 10 days" issue. And our moves are usually difficult. I forget how long it takes to pack 4 rooms of books (around 100 boxes, give or take). I forget about the basement and garage until the night before (can I rely on that being the reminder). And I hate packing. But since I am at home during the day and DH is not, I am stuck with it. That or having a raging bonfire in the backyard that DH would totally freak over (though he would get over it).

But lazy is good. The one day that I spent doing absolutely nothing was divine. It started around 8:30 am (mmmm, 10 hours sleep), proceeded to the couch where numerous Netflix videos were consumed, and didn't end until 11 PM when I shuffled off to bed. The only time I was vertical was to get eats, drinks, and bathroom breaks. Wish I could do it again.

Today will be busy. It is 8 am and I have started culling books and clothes, etc. The rest of the day will be similar in fashion. BUT I will be having dinner with a wonderful friend that is in town for the weekend.

Ugg, I hate packing.

Friday, August 6, 2010

What happens after?

I don't know if this blog will continue. I graduated, so it got me through law school. We will see what should happen now. All I know is I talked my DH into letting me get a Wii.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My dog farts

My dog can clear a room in a nanosecond. I have been woken in the middle of the night attempting to crawl away from the awful smell. But usually, the farting is only now and then. NOW, it's all the time. He had an allergic reaction to something and then he got an infection from licking and scratching. So he is on Benedryl and an antibiotic. I don't know which medication is doing it, but he has been farting the raunchiest farts in all creation. It is so bad, as soon as he settles down to sleep, I put an air purifier next to him. Gaaahhhhh.

Just thought I would share.

Friday, July 30, 2010

In 14 days...

I need to clean, dump extraneous clothes and other personal items, pack the entire house, get my SS card and passport, take the animals to the vet, have someone come in to do some repair work and look at putting in washer and dryer in the apartment, change our address for all our stuff (with exceptions), prep for the guy taking care of the house, take the car in for an overhaul, schedule a moving van and helpers, get boxes, clear out some of the garden, cut down the bushes in the back, rewrite the lease, say good-bye to friends, schedule new service in new town, sell some things on Craigslist (do I sell the giant elliptical that is really awesome but in a really awkward the back of a VW), take books to be sold, start studying for the Patent Bar, get my hair cut/colored, drive two days with a UHaul, my car, and screaming freaked out animals, entertain and reject the idea of a mani/pedi, cook, lose weight, and walk on water.

All this and more in 14 days...14 glorious non-Barbri days. I plan to enjoy each and every moment in which I do not have to open a barbri book or listen to a lecture or flash cards at my face. I plan to have drinks in the middle of the day, while packing. Listen to loud music and dance around the house. I will hug my vet and say how glad I am that he is not a law prof. I am giddy, I tell you giddy. And if that f***ing exam f***'s this up by not passing me...well, needless to say I will be upset.

Is it terribly awful to say "needless to say?" I mean if it is needless, then it need not be said, right? So why use the phrase at all, because if you say it, more than likely, unless you are conversing with telepaths, it needed to be said, at least you needed to say it. Am I wrong about this?

How out of the loop am I? I just saw "It's Complicated" tonight. The netflix movie has been sitting on my shelf for about 2 months.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

And it is over...for now

Yes, I am excited to walk out of the exam and be done. But I have an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can already remember things that I should have included or confusing some things. AND WHY THE HELL DID I NOT KNOW RULE OF DUMPOR'S CASE. I seriously did not ever hear that rule, ever.

If I fail, that's okay. I am pretty sure my firm has a two-strikes rule (please, hopefully). And I at least have a good start (oh good lord, more studying, yeah that's all I need).

I just need the minimum, just the minimum.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Tomorrow, the Exam starts

I have to admit, I have been doing a lot of weeping at odd moments this week. I don't like myself this way. But I am worried about passing. Yes, I know I can take it again in February. And I might not get fired from my firm if I fail (as long as I pass the second time around).

I just realize that I have so little recall right now. It's like everything is stuck in a doorway and nothing will come out. I just have to hope that over the next three days, something will give and every thing will come pouring out.

One last thing, for any one reading this at the 1 or 2L stage. Take Secured Transactions and Commercial Paper. Yes, Barbri teaches these, but it would have been a lot easier to have had a foundation. Family, Wills and Trusts are not difficult concepts, but yikes, I hate Commercial Paper.

Oh, and check your state's exam requirements. You may be lucky and they don't test ST or CP.

I feel so small right now.

Monday, July 19, 2010

One more before the bar

I am studying furiously now (in wild and stormy manner). I converse on nothing except the bar exam. I am truly the most boring person on earth right now. I have told my DH to please not try to have conversations with me because I am only allowing 20 minute breaks for most things.

The bar exam and accompanied studying are only temporary, but a major difficulty is getting someone in your life to truly believe that it is temporary, you are not yourself, and what you need right at that moment may seem truly selfish. My DH was a little peeved that I took time (about an hour) to sit and watch TV before I went to sleep last night instead of talking to him. I didn't want to talk to him because that would require (1) interaction and energy and (2) me giving a crap right now about someone else. Yeah I know how that sounds, but when he starts in about his day, RIGHT NOW, I don't care. Two weeks from now I will care again.

So to all those people that have to be in contact with bar studiers, this is what you need to understand. Taking the bar is an entirely self-centered process. For 8-10 weeks, the person that you love, like, are friends with, will turn you down for most invitations, whether or not that bar taker takes time off or not. Please don't take offense and for f*** sake don't lump more stress on the bar taker by making them feel guilty. This is the only control a bar taker has, what they do with the precious few minutes they allow themselves during this time. For me, I just don't want to deal with any one else's shit, so I don't tend to interact with others (except DH and a few other bar takers). Please don't think I don't like you, it will go away in 2 weeks.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Yeah, that previous post on getting through panic

Not so much. I am not in the fetal position, but DH turned on the TV last night (I study in the dining room which is open to the TV room) and you would have thought he just kicked my cat across the room. We compromised. He turned the sound down as far as he could without lip reading, I moved my chair so I couldn't see it and put in ear plugs. Oh happy day. I wish I could disable the damn thing.

So while I am not FREAKING, I am freaking.

And I am with NB, if one more person attempts to assure me that I will have no problem passing the bar exam I will yank their spine from their body ala Predator.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

T-9 days

Exactly 9 days from today I will be sitting in a large room with about 500 other people praying (me and everyone else. No atheists in foxholes or bar exams).

Just to apprise folks, I spent an evening freaking out. Nothing was working (breathing, exercise, etc), so I just went with it. I cried, muffled screams with a pillow, imagined the most horrible consequences of failing (right down to an ex yelling across a crowded room about how he heard I had failed my bar exam). And then I realized that all of this could happen and it really wouldn't be that awful. I mean it would be pretty bad if I failed, but (1) I can take it again and (2) really, failing a test has me in a fetal position.

I know I am rambling, but try to follow me here. I was sitting, rocking back and forth, when it simply dawned on me how ridiculous I was acting. Yes, it is stressful. Yes, I have days of unending studying. And yes, the wait will be excruciating. But I won't be in physical pain (except what I put myself in) and I won't die. It's paper. A test. Good lord, you would think I was in a war torn country with live fire all around me. I suppose what I am trying to say is, you make your own hell. I made it then I chose to walk out of it. Thanks Butterflyfish, I needed that!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

How do you stop panic?

By now, I expected to be doing better on Barbri tests. I have gotten worse. Where I was acing contracts, I am now lucky to get 2 in 5 right. Torts, yeah, not so good. I am terrified to try any more essays. I am at the point where I want to give up. Just say, I can't do this. I don't want to take this test and fail. I would rather, right now, simply give up.

What do you guys do to control this or at least vent it? I have tried meditation, exercise, and, yes, a drink. And the horrible and continued berating going on (you should have started sooner, you should have kept up better, you should have...).

12 more days, just 12 more days.

T-12 days

The last days where the cramming begins. Studies show that the information within a 2-week period is the information that sticks the best. Memory obstacles = tired, stress, anxiety, and poor nutrition. Conditions during the last 2 weeks of bar review = tired, stressed, anxious, and eating crap.

Everyone I have seen over the last week looks exactly like me. Crazy eyes, slightly disheveled, hair slightly dirty, even though washed that day, comes from running your hands through hair all day. Some are worse (please dear god take a shower). Some seem to be handling it better (take a close look though...pens chewed, paper frayed).


Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Life sucks, how are you?

I am failing all my practice tests. I can't seem to remember anything from day to day. And I am within inches of a meltdown of epic proportions, which will likely be triggered in the grocery store, in my living room, or in another store of some kind. I think it will likely be public and I fear for the safety of any person that is confronted with a raging, crying, sobbing, psycho that I will become.

So, how's your day?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Bilski was a punt and other news

The only real other news is that Barbri is horrible. I can stand it, though it at least has an end.

With other news, we have a house available in the place that I have my job. It's definitely a fixer upper, but I am looking forward to eventually doing that. I want a home that I can finally make my own. And I plan to change the hell out of this house. I have already, in my head, torn down walls, recreated rooms, bought new appliances, and redone the outside. I have even added windows. Well, it's more fun than Barbri.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Questionable Exam

ARRRGGGG. Okay, I know it's no big deal, most folks fail the practice MBE. Yep, I did a stellar dive. Don't want to discuss it, not pretty, nothing to see here. That alters the next 3 weeks.

Anywhoo, I am driving to the city where I am taking the bar exam. People, especially husband, thinks I am insane. You see this drive is approximately 20 hours. Yes, you read that correctly.

Why drive? One main reason, flying makes me nervous in good times. But from one experience, I have found that if I am stressed out over something, flying becomes a nightmare. That wouldn't be a big deal on a nonstop or even a one-stop flight. But noooo, that would be right. Because of the limitations I have (my husband insisted that I use the free ticket), I would have to have 3 layovers. Yeah, idiotic.

AND I love to drive. I absolutely love it, getting out there, putting on some music or book on tape or even a Bar Bri lecture, I have fun on the road. And by making this one little change, drive instead of fly, I spend my days really looking forward to this trip! Took a lot of stress out of my days.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I am a foodie

I love food porn. I watch tons of cooking shows. I love trying new restaurants. But THIS year, I am going to become the goddess in the kitchen. I have decided I need a hobby, something really constructive. I have tried a number of things that haven't stuck, but this year, definitely food. I mean I am obsessed with it in all aspects of my life, except in the kitchen.

Now once I move (soon to be discussed here), I will be limited in the whole cooking by being at my parents. They are sensitive to "strange smells." That's what they call anything that deviates from plain meat and boiled vegetable (is it becoming clear why I am a food freak?). So I have to compile a list of recipes that they will not object to, some things that taste fabulous while also being fairly innocuous. And I will be limited in kitchen stuff. I don't believe there has ever been a sharp knife in my mother's kitchen. Plus she has very little counter space (not a kitchen person, my mom). These are all things that can be overcome with a few purchases and a little ingenuity.

If anyone has suggestions on recipes for simply dishes, I would greatly appreciate it. This blog may remain legal in nature, but it is going to take on a decidedly food bent!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

American Boot Strap Mentality

I used to believe that we, as a society, really did have a independent, boot strap mentality. Until I really started listening to people. In the past 15 years, I have heard so-called independent people scream about postage being raised, even though the Postal Service is almost a privately held entity and it still costs less than 50 cents to send a letter.

It has really started bugging me because I am doing a project that I hope gets published about the agriculture sector. But it has involved speaking to a lot of people. Farmers, distributors, etc. And no matter who it is, a foodie or a farmer, every comment complaining about what someone else is doing is usually followed closely in the conversation about how they are not getting what they are entitled to. Uggg. And it is really beginning to piss me off. I don't claim to be a boot-strap person. Actually, I hope that as a society we can all give each other a hand (yea yea, very PollyAnna). In fact, I wish I saw more evidence of people simply talking with each other. There are a few people in my own family that I can't have more than a superficial conversation with because I am either a liberal commie or (get this) a fascist. I am all things.

I SWEAR - Real conversations
Me: I wish the Prez had come out sooner about the Gulf oil spill. It just seems like he ignored it.
Cuz: What, because he's black, he's incompetent.
Me: Umm, what does his race have to do with anything?

Me: I like a lot of the health care reform package, though I would like to see a public option.
Cuz2: Really? And I suppose you would like to see everyone getting a three month vacation too.
Me: Um, what does that have to do with healthcare?

And don't even get me started about the Grandma that watches Fox News morning to midnight. She has gone batshit crazy. "Hello" is now a communist socialist plot as she yells about keeping your filthy socialist hands off her Medicare. Family get-togethers have become a minefield.

Anywhoo, I was just thinking about this, rather than beginning the next lecture in the Barbri series.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Which is worse?

A cold during Barbri or changing eating habits? The cold has mostly gone away. That's right 2 weeks later, I still have congestion, cough, and fatigue. Not bad, but enough to exert itself.

But I also think that I part of the fatigue (and every website, doc, etc seems to agree) is the fact that I eat a lot of junk. And I mean a lot. So I decided to do something about that part. Problem? Yes, indeed. All I can think about is cake...birthday cake with butter cream frosting. Or chocolate cake. Or red velvet cake. And cookies, chocolate chip cookies. Or peanut butter cookies. Because I am trying to drop sugar and white flour and processed foods. Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on Property when visions of sweets are flying around in your head.

Thank you very much. I am going back into Barbri.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Day 9 of WoM (war of mucus)

This thing has decided to move in, settle down, rearrange the furniture, toss some stuff, then throw some rowdy parties. Rattling, whistling, noises I am completely unfamiliar. Please let the party be over. If the coughing would just let me sleep for more than an hour or two at a time, I could break out of the molasses.

Barbri lectures are not absorbing. I assume it's the cold.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

What's worse than BarBri?

Barbri with a wicked cold. Mucus flowing, hacking cough, fever, sneezing, head feeling 20 times larger than normal. I have been in bed for 5 days now, trying to watch the preview week for Barbri on iTouch. I am thankful that AL is a week behind MN. I am not really behind, but I don't know how much of this I have actually absorbed.

I cannot believe that I can get sick at the worst possible moment.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Starting Barbri

Good lord, this is boring. And the tangents...this could be half the time. Oh, and the platitude "everyone learns differently" is driving me up a tree. Go over the damn answers, discuss the analysis, and point to the elements. Shut up, shut up, shut up about your kids, your thoughts, your babbling random thoughts.

Hopefully will be posting more info on taking Barbri with the mobile upload. You know, the one you can only take on an iTouch or iPhone. The one they charge another few hundred dollars for and afterwards tells you about the lectures streaming on the web. Okay, so I am a little bitter right now. Outrageous tuition, fees for taking the bar, fees for even graduating (we can't even get cap and gowns for free by paying more than 30K a year?), and fees associated with everything. Top it off with a house we need to get rid of at some point which will be for much less than we purchased it for plus moving expenses, etc.

I am actually really glad that I have to study for the bar right now. It makes everything seem much further away.

Thursday, May 20, 2010


And that's all I got to say for now.

Friday, April 30, 2010

NOW I'm panicked?

Okay, I go all semester with an increasing amount of 3L-itis, the whocares. And now, a week before exams I start to panic? HAHAHA, got ya! Nah. Still can't shake this feeling that in the universe, me doing only okay on my last exams is only marginally above me having perfect nails.

Every now and then, I will have a pang, a twinge, a slight pinch in the heart region. There is something I should be concerned, what is it. Oh yeah, I haven't read for most of my classes most of the semester (slight exaggeration, but without exaggeration, this world would be a truly boring place). Oh yeah, I haven't outlined (that one is true), guess I should pick up a commercial or bug people who have taken this class.

Because, you see class, I checked out. I was afraid this would happen, that I would blow the chance to make a significant dent in my final GPA. I just stopped caring when I hit second semester. It was like I was on a numbing agent the entire time (nope, not even alcohol this semester). Many of my classes were interesting, but when it got time to crack open a book, Lost was on or Glee was starting back. Dinner out with my husband was far more interesting. Dinner watching an old movie, yep I'm there. Going for walks and hitting state parks, yep, count me in.

So you see, I am tired of it all and I just can't dredge up any fear of the unknown any more. Maybe that's what law school gives you, absence of fear. I am tired of being afraid. I hope this carries me through my first few years of work.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

All good things come to an end...

and, thank the gods, so do the bad ones.

No, the blog isn't going away just yet. But I am about to finish law school. That's right, three years of belly-aching, whining, and just plain bitchin' and my reward? A little ole diploma. And if I pass the bar and patent bar, I will be an official lawyer, someone who counsels in the law. If I don't I will have a very expensive mistake on my hands.

Whew, didn't think I was going to make it at times. It's not that the classes were uber hard. It was the mind-numbing avalanche of it. It was soooo much at times. One day, contemplating my books and handouts in front of me, I realized that I had to read (if I, indeed, read it all) over 300 pages for one day (okay, that was a long day and the one class with 162 pages of briefs was the bitter pill). But 300 pages.

And then there was the whole ego crushing thing. I had to realize that (1) I wasn't dumb because my grades were lower than some (okay, most at one time) and (2) it is possible to get a job without law review, competition moot court or other accolades on my resume (okay, I also had the advantage of having a Ph.D.). That literally took 2 years and a job offer to overcome. I am not sure how much I admitted on this blog and to others, but there were times I thought I must be a complete moron. I will be open here and say, with a mite embarrassment, that on those days, I took out my publications from science and my Ph.D. diploma to look at and remind myself, hey, I ain't stoopid.

But the worst part of the whole experience had to be the doubt each day about whether I would even like working as a lawyer. I would bounce along, feelin' fine, when some jackass of an attorney would speak at a student function and either explicitly or implicitly bitch about their job. The hours, the billing, the clients, whatever. And then it would hit me...would I like it and what the hell was I supposed to do if I didn't. I could go back to academics, but not without practically defaulting on loans (unlike other 2nd career folks I have met, I did not just step away from a lucrative job). And then I would imagine my husband, looking at me with disappointment, even horror, in his eyes as I tried to explain that the last 1 year (2 years, 2.5 years) were a complete mistake and yes I know we owe the equivalent of a mortgage now, but I CAN'T DO IT.

What kept me going? My husband's undying love and support, the other bloggers who brightened my day (even if it was just a misery loves company thing), my animals, the people in my class, and stubbornness.

To start with the last one, I believe many people in law school finish out of stubbornness. What else could it be? Part of the puzzle is in evidence after your 1st year (how is my GPA? lousy. hmm). Another piece is evident based on having spent time listening to attorneys (yikes, that sounds really boring). But you push through and start 2nd year thinking, well I don't really know what it would be like as a lawyer. And then, I think people just start gutting it out. I know so many that when asked what kind of law they wanted to do, the answer was invariably, "the one that pays." And that's a HUGE problem. Think of it this way. In graduate school, science or humanities, you get to specialize in what interests you. You can pursue the marketable (some do) but most simply choose their passion and hope for the best. In medicine, it's similar, though I don't have any idea how much money influences most of the students. But in law school, the whole experience is ass-backward. You come in knowing very little about the law (most do). You take the same classes the first year. Then you are given little guidance as to what real law is like. I would love to see a 1-hour first year course entitled "The Law." It would be pass/fail. Each week, attorneys would come in to class from different areas of the law and students would be mock associates (schedule light reading prior to each week for that particular subject). During the time, you would run through an average day. Etc.

Anywhoo. Almost done.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


I am seriously considering unplugging from everything. I spend most of my day now incensed about something. Keeping up on events, etc, seems to add little to my life.

Friday, March 12, 2010

So quick...Fashion FAIL

My hair is growing out because I don't want to pay for a haircut. When at my cubicle, it gets in my eyes so I use paperclips and black clip things to hold it back. Well, it seems I was setting a new fashion statement in class all day Tuesday. I had two paper clips in my hair.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Fashion - Here I come

Ready or not.

I have contacts now. And they are so nice. Like, I can't even feel them. Step one, complete.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Cue the music...Today I start walking the dog in the pm

My husband has had enough. And because I am doing less reading (and work overall) for classes and have time to, well, do nothing for part of the evening, he has handed the reins (leash) over to me.

You look confused. Ah, why would this be a big deal? Well, mainly because my husband believes in the dog pull until he is choking and your arm is falling off style of dog-walking. This will lead to a couple of events. The first that will happen is that I will be pulled down at some point. It always happens. There will be a steady stream of foul language and much beating of the dog (not really, but my forehead will ignite my hair because I want to take my frustrations out on the dog). Then there will be the half-assed training that will at least keep me from having joint separation in the upper appendages. It basically consists of me yelling "loose leash" while standing still and the dog on 2 legs, upper body raised, desperately trying to go forward. After 10-15 minutes of this he will realize that I am walking him (the bitch) instead of husband and that I am serious about not moving until he acts right.

I volunteered for this. I did notice the hubby has been pretty frazzled at night. And after three years of doing most things pet related (as well as errand and bill paying related, toss in a little laundry and housecleaning) he needs to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Since I start work in August, I am not going to tell him that it's an on-coming train.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Bad days are outnumbering good

Yikes. I am having a lot of bad days. Just when I get to the point where I think I am not so tired, I start flagging by 2 o'clock. Fatigue is not simply the craving for sleep, it's that dragging feeling that saps your motivation to do ANYTHING, even fun things. And if not dealt with, it can easily begin to morph into depression. Luckily, I usually can avoid that.

Fatigue is a weird thing. You think to yourself, I just need a little more sleep. But then after a night where I was actually able to get almost 10 hours, I am still fuzzy in the brain.

Most fatigue can be fixed fairly simply. Causes include poor nutrition, little exercise, or stress. You have to hope it's one of these, because if it's an underlying medical problem, doctors will be chasing their tails trying to find the cause. Medical conditions can be anything, from as simple as an underlying infection to something far more serious and difficult to find, like MS.

Well, I can't go to my doctor. She has not been exactly helpful. Any time I have mentioned fatigue, all she says is, You are getting old, You are in law school, It's normal. Even though the one time she acquiesced to me getting blood work, turns out it was an underlying infection. Antibiotics...10 days later...Felt so much better.

So the first step is to get back to decent eating. Nutrition, fit in the 5 vegies and 2 fruits, etc.

Ugg, hopefully this week will get better.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Over the past week, I have been reconnecting people from my past, friends and family, due to a tragedy that occurred (not using this term lightly). And it's a little disconcerting that it took this event to get in touch with these folks.

I thought to myself a million times that I should call X. Now I won't be able to do that. I don't want to make this mistake again. And it seems that everyone I knew back then feel the same way. We have been calling, FBing, and making plans to get together.

So the moral to this story, don't put off making contact with the people important in your life. I am having difficulty writing this without sounding overly-sentimental or trite. But after this, if the result was more connections and, quite frankly, more caring, then, well, it wouldn't be a complete tragedy. Sorry, I just don't have much of a way with words.

Monday, February 22, 2010

1L grades

I hate it when 1L grades come out. The plaza gets quiet and people look scared. It's demoralizing to see so many vibrant individuals buy that grades are the end all, be all. I wish there was a way to make grades go away. I suppose that's impossible for most schools, how else would we rank you and make you feel bad about yourself (or good, depending on where you fall in the curve).

On another note, I have to control my spending. I think my hubbie is about to blow a gasket on our money issues. It's a terrible thing when I think I deserve that $5 coffee because of how hard I am working. Time to rethink my priorities.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Oh God, It's That Time...0L

I just say this over at Dennis'. Yep, it's time for the next crop of idiots to start looking at the different schools and weighing their options for law school.

I have a couple of things to add. And yeah, this is completely unsolicited advice. One is specifically for second career folks.

1. I don't care how smart you think you are and I don't care what you think about how you are going to do. Someone is in the top 10% and everyone else in the other 90%. Odds are not in your favor. Good luck.

2. Where you go is sort of important. But most of the people I know were hired not based on where they went to school. And before someone out there starts correcting me, I know people from a number of schools, including Texas, Harvard, and Stanford. And it's all anecdotal anyway. The only guarantee is a Supreme Court clerk. Sure, there are exceptions, but THEY are EXCEPTIONS.

3. As to #2, if you are going to a third or fourth tier, you are not likely to go into BigLaw. Yeah, it's stupid, but true. I have numerous contacts at 3rd and 4th tier students that graduated 2 years ago without a job. And they still don't have one.

4. The job market sucks. And I don't mean normal sucks, I mean top 10%, Law Review folks not getting jobs. And the worst part is that even with a summer position, it's no longer a guarantee for anything. I know too many people that did not get an offer because no summer clerk got an offer. Or because the firm knew it was only offering to a small percentage. Guess what you get to do for the third year? Yeah, sucks.

5. The pay is going down, not up. Yeah, you read that right. Many firms are freezing raises, eliminating paying for bar prep courses and other bar stuff, and lowering starting salary. Yeah, there are a couple of people that will get that crazy 160K. But even that might go away.

6. Stop listening to the idiots that say "A Law degree is highly marketable in other careers." Bullshit. Would you hire someone that could potentially leave once the legal job market got better? Or how about wondering if this person with the JD is going to actually have the skills you need? Or wondering if you will have to pay more? It's idiocy. Career services and others trot out a few examples of people that did something other than law. But I have worked before and know a number of second career folks and people outside of law. They all laugh at this. And if you add up all the debt, unless you have a great scholarship, whatever you are going to start at, money wise, is unlikely to give you much breathing room.

7. And that brings us to debt. It's a ton. And unless you are making over 70K (break even for the debt) when you graduate, it's simply not worth it. Especially with the attrition rate. You work for 5 years and then quit, then it's really not worth it.

8. Last, but not least, if you are second career and think anyone is going to give you credit for your previous career, forget it. If you have connections, great. But the actual work that you did does not equate well to law, I really don't care what it is. And for you scientists, yeah, Ph.D. is great, but not that great.

Bitter? Not really. I am only trying to say what no one told me before doing this. You are going to ignore it any way. God, you poor, poor souls.

Friday, February 19, 2010

No sense of fashion what so ever

I should have been an engineer. I have absolutely no sense of fashion...or dressing myself in a way that says "hey, I give a crap about what I wear." Even when I am trying to express that. Even when I try, something is always missing. I had to have a second set of my makeup at work because I would completely forget to put it on in the morning. Or accessories of any kind. I got the suit down, sort of. I grabbed the wrong jacket one day. Yeah, dressing disasters happen to me all the time. Especially stains. My DH banned white pants and tried shirts for me. I actually attract spaghetti sauce, even when there appears to be none in the vicinity.

And yet, through the '80s I could really put a neon outfit together. Very into makeup, accessories. WHAT HAPPENED??? I am sitting in my living room in my zip-up, old man sweater with the pockets, jeans that don't fit (like fall down baggy, where did I get these?), and a t-shirt that has seen better days. I WORE THIS TO SCHOOL. GACK, I am feeling that there really is no hope. I need serious professional help.

Saturday, February 13, 2010


Would you assume that you know more about a particular subject than the person next to you, even though though the person next to you once had a career in that subject and the most that you have done is read maybe a few articles or an opinion piece?

I try to shut up when I know the person that just corrected me has a LOT more experience in the area than I do. I would suggest others do the same.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Thanks, But No Thanks reminded me why I hate some classes

This post at Thanks, But No Thanks, reminded me that I have become a complete curmudgeon.

Here is why: I am tired of everyone's opinion. I know, I know. Civil discourse leads to bright lights, or something to that effect. But I am so tired of everyone's opinion. Yo, bleeding heart, yes, people are oppressed. But babbling about it over and over with no discussion of how to deal with the problem in a way that isn't "here, let's give over complete control to the oppressed for a while and see what happens" isn't a solution. Why? Because you are never getting that one by the oppressor. May be a good idea, I have no idea. But can we at least shine the light of practicality over your head for a bit.

And you, Republican die-hard conservative that believes your lily-white ass is the oppressed, I got news for you, no. Tell me about all of your experiences of being followed in a store by security or having your bag searched because they suspected you. Or how about even just the amount of time the police/ambulance took to get to your home. Oh wait, you are just pissed that there is a thing called minority scholarships. You didn't raise a fuss over legacies. You didn't freak out when supposedly neutral golf scholarships were available (undergrad..the photo board looked exactly like you would think, Tiger Woods or no Tiger Woods). And stop your bitchin' because according to your predictions, pretty soon you are going to be in the minority and will be able to take advantage of said scholarship.

Oh, and you..."That Kid." Read one more passage out of the book and I will throw mine at you. Guess what, I may not look athletic, but I have always had a helluva arm. And stop asking me theory Q's after class. (Pointing at self) 3L...DON'T CARE about your take on things. You may be bright, but since you seem to only care about the sound of your voice, no speeky the english.

Wow, I can't believe that came out. I thought I was amused in my class by the goings-on. Apparently, I have been very very pissed off for about 5 weeks. Huh, who knew.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

In Our Long Struggle...We Cannot Forget The Right To Go Shoeless

I was thinking about this the other day. It came up because I am always amazed at someone that goes barefoot in winter. I do not have the same reaction as other. It doesn't bother me. I just keep thinking "brrrrrr." It probably doesn't bother me b/c I actually hate shoes. I couldn't wait for summer for when I could ditch the shoes. Now I rather like shoes. I don't wear the ones I really like because I would kill myself in them (falling, etc).

But I digress. I found, while meandering on the internet, this interesting appellate case affirming summary judgment for the defendant.

Essentially, Pl sued for being tossed out of a library for being barefoot. His argument at the appellate level is that this was a violation of his 1st, 9th, and 14th Amendment rights (the least laughable was the at the ban was a violation of the right to receive information). This case went from a state court, removed to federal district court, and then to an appellate court. Because the guy wanted to go barefoot in a library. Does anyone else think this might have been a waste of the court's time? Please tell me that I am wrong on this one, but I can't believe the guy wasn't fined for wasting time and money.

I do find interesting things on the internet when I am supposed to be studying.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

No Matter What...My psyche will take a beating

I am trying to write an entry about a situation that is really taking a toll on my confidence and self-esteem, worth even. But I am having a difficult time doing so in a way that doesn't make it obvious what I am talking about. Suffice it to say, I am in a situation that is in the past but is still haunting me through emails. And in this email back and forth, I feel like the bad guy in every which way possible. Yes, I am partly responsible for the situation. I should have asked questions sooner, I should have expressly warned certain players that I can be extremely slow sometimes. I may not have put my all (or a ton) into said situation, but I did this thing, project, if you will, and now I am done. Only I am not done. Because I keep getting emails. The person emailing is not a bad person, only a dissatisfied person.

So here I am in my head and this is what I hear:

You should have worked harder, much harder.
You did a piss-poor job.
You never finish anything.
You will always disappoint everyone.

These are the voices that have caused me to withdraw from a lot of things. I just don't want to disappoint others and myself any more.

What the voices (really, not schizophrenic) never say is evidence to the contrary. Papers have been published, degrees got, orders completed, papers done, grades of a complete nature, projects finished. But even as I write these things, there are counters to each and every one. Would you all just shut up.

Over the next few months I am going to adopt the techniques from Taming Your Gremlin. I want to get rid of these voices that keep me from being a whole person. Today's technique (and one that will take a while to master) is the just notice the gremlin. It's a basic separation technique. The gremlin (or voices) are not me. They are a composite of every thought, outside person's judgment, etc, I have seen in my life. The REAL me would acknowledge, accept and learn from: (1) I did not do my best, (2) but I did what I could, (3) I learned that I do not juggle so many things well and should have said so immediately, (4) I learn very slowly when things are done in small chunks spaced apart, and (5) another person's opinion of me is just that person's opinion.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Calvin and Hobbes

I still miss that damn cartoon.

Punxsutawney Phil Hates Me

As for my feelings on winter, see other post. Suffice it to say, that little bastard has condemned me to another 6 weeks of freezing cold weather, slick sidewalks, idiots that think b/c they drive a four-wheel drive vehicle can speed through icy streets, and staying indoors.

You see, I was once a woman who loved to go outside. I will walk for hours when the spirit so moves me. Hike, even. The spirit, however, does not tend to move me here. It's winter so long that I can't remember why I liked the outdoors in the first place. And I have noticed another thing. When I am in southern or western states (told ya' we moved around a lot), I slim down while there (well, not slim, but at least less corpulent). I have been in the north for a combined total of 11 years and I blame this place for every freakin' pound that I have packed on.

Enough is enough. Come August, I will pack my bags, head to a southern state, and commence my walkin'. I want to roast in 100 degree weather and 90% humidity. I want to get used to the house being at 85 degrees in the summer and call that cool. I want to bask in the frying pan like qualities of my steering wheel when I get in my car. I want to, for 3 months out of the year, hear "Hot enough for ya?" instead of "Cold enough for ya?" These things are my God-Given Rights as an American (cue the music)...

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Criminal Minds

I have seen this episode a million times. Yet I would rather watch this than read for Legislation. Does that make me lazy? Not really. I like to look at it more as saving my sanity.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Self involvement, but still battling negativity

I really don't want this blog to turn into an angsty struggle with my demons. But there are days when negative thoughts simply overwhelm me (or anyone for that matter). And I hope that I can turn it around, maybe by putting it out for others to see (good lord, is that the brightest thing I have ever done?).

I need to be able to handle stress. And stress triggers all the guilt, shame, and self-criticism that can really send me into a tailspin. I have so many regrets; people I have hurt, choices I have made. The incident, itself, is likely small, probably forgotten by others. But for me, it inflates until I am portrayed in my mind as a monster.

What I never focus on are the kind acts I have done. Or the progress I have made. Or the things I have accomplished. Oh no, those things are nothing, any one could do them, it was all luck...look at all these negative things, these surely outweigh the positive.

And I notice that negative thoughts really can get hold when I am eating junk food. From this, I assume that nutrition may impact my moods (duh). But now I really want a Big Mac. And tired mixed with stress = really negative. So of course, I want to stay up and watch tv when I am not studying for the flippin' patent bar. Oh, and then there is the whole dehydration thing.

Recipe for happiness = give myself a break + breathe through the yelling in my head + whole nutritious food + water, lots of water + sleep + physical exercise.

Hmmm, sounds so simply. Just get through it.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Winter, winter, winter

Many years ago, after moving from the south, I got to see my first major snow storm. My fascination with snow ended with it. People tell me "Get outside, take up a snow-related sport, you will love it."

Downhill skiing - not rich enough and not close enough to any real skiing to make the effort.

Cross-country skiing - went around in a circle for a while. Meh.

Broom ball - terrified of all the really good players. They will take you out.

Ice skating - ironically, I kind of like it, but only when it's inside.

Hockey - see broom ball.

Curling - can't get over the laugh factor on that one.

Snowshoeing - I think I will just wait until Spring to go hiking.

Okay, so I am a complainer. I am sure that given enough time and effort, one of these would end up being a winter must have. But since my future winters (after this one) will be in the "OMG it's 40 degrees" I have run out of time. So I will spend the rest of my winter walking very slowly through snow and ice, praying I don't fall yet again, cursing the weather, feeling righteous in my cursing the weather, and refuse to have anything to do with snow unless it involves a free trip to Aspen or Tahoe. Just wait until I start bitching about the heat. I am real good at that.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

My reflections...only my reflections

I love that Cindy McCain stood up for gay rights. Civil rights are not a party issue. The right for two people who love each other to bind their union is a basic right, in my opinion. The only good thing, again in my opinion, that Dick Cheney ever said was his support for marriage for gay couples. And I was angry the day that Obama said that marriage was for a man and a woman.

It is hard for me to listen to politicians. The rhetoric and empty phrases makes me pull out my hair. And then the whole legislative process, grand standing, creation of complicated bills, and the sloppy logic sickens me.

I am not a Democrat or a Republican. I believe that government should have to balance its budget. I believe that waste of any kind, when it comes to taxpayers money, should be gleaned from any budget measures. I believe that education, health care and social services should be given much greater funding than currently. I believe that the states should have control on spending the money for these programs and the freedom to be as creative as possible because of the different demographics.

This is what I want. An efficiently run government where budgets are audited, bills are closely monitored for crap, and there exist people in politics that care about something more than their hair and reelection. I want to see more community involvement in social problems. I want people to understand that every child that is failed by the educational system is a problem for ALL of us. I want parents held accountable and teachers given the freedom to be as creative as needed to educate children. I want people to understand that everything is connected, that when your neighbor goes bankrupt because of medical bills and has his/her home foreclosed, guess who's property values are going to go down. I want people to realize that the farmer that sprays the crap out of his/her land because that's the way it's done creates water problems for everyone else. I want people to realize that run away budgets in government causes other countries to become nervous about the stability of our economy potentially leading to a self-fulfilling prophecy. I want people to realize that when unions negotiate for everything they can get without thinking about the survival of the company and, therefore, the survival of jobs, that affects everyone. I want people to realize that no accountability in corporations and corporate boardrooms leads to an "I am God" complex, which leads to all kinds of crap. And I would love for people to understand that alternative energy is a damn good thing if it means we never, ever have to be dependent on foreign oil again.


I am just angry. Angry that the teabaggers have simplified all of the arguments to the point of being completely ridiculous. Angry that Pelosi doesn't seem interested in talking about health care in real terms. Angry that the Republicans are refusing to offer real solutions and instead point fingers at the Democrats. That even with a majority, the Democrats are still a bunch of whiny people that can't seem to stay on point.

And now I am disillusioned.

Friday, January 22, 2010

No pictures yet...but wanna hear about the MPEP?

Panic is beginning to set in.

On another note, I am feeling depressed, fat, ugly, and like a complete failure. This to shall pass. And I know it will pass faster if I exercise, meditate, and work on visualization. All of which is very hard for me because none of that is habit yet.

On another note, I dropped all of my potentially fun classes.

Never mind, I will try blogging again tomorrow. See if I might have better outlook.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Yeah, yeah, the cliche...The last first day...

and it's cloudy, really overcast. Portends or just winter?

Finished a job. So not working a lot this semester outside of school and Patent Bar review (please don't fail, please don't fail). Unfortunately, I panicked and piled on last minute classes. But three are going to be really fun (trial practice, pretrial and a seminar). I hear the seminar is sitting around, having a beer and listening to attorneys in the field talk about different subjects. Yep, my kind of class.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Now it's just a matter of waiting out the rest of the semester and get on with the bar.

My big excitement is an attempt to photo-document every day for the rest of my time in Minnesota. That's going to be interesting...Here's my carrel, here's the tv, here's my office, here's my classroom...yeah, you understand. I see you smirking out there. Well I will try to put together something a little more interesting than a collage of my television watching.

Love to all...I'm feeling touchie feelie today, but not in a litigious or illegal way.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


English major - lab technician - Ph.D. in science - Postdoctoral positions from biogeochemistry to molecular - Law school.

Am I a dilettante? One definition that hurts - an amateur who engages in an activity without serious intentions and who pretends to have knowledge. Am I a pretender?

Or does my head just yell at me to much about other things.

Where is my focus?

Over the next few weeks, I have to study my butt off for the Patent Bar, but after that, I would like to really delve into what my passion is. Or if I just need to find passion in what I am doing right now.

Monday, January 11, 2010

One week from today will be the last first day of school


In 15 weeks this will all be a bad dream. I will be working after that (well after the bar). We will be moving. And we will start settling in to the last place I hope to ever live (I have moved around a lot in the last decade). And we will be near family, which will be nice.


Hallelujah!!! Saints be praised.

Moving all rants on weight to here...

I have decided to stop posting my weight stuff on this blog. My goal is to not only lose the weight, but run a 5K, then a 10K, then a half-marathon, then ***A MARATHON***.

As for law school news, we start back in one week. I hate the Patent Bar. And I can't wait to graduate.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

That whole weight thing...

I got up early on a Saturday and went to my first Weight Watcher's meeting. Every Saturday from now on (yes, I realize I will miss a few), I will be heading to the WW mt and then taking a really long walk (the place is where it is really nice to walk).

So I feel like I got something done today that benefited me, not just some vague sense that in the future this will be helpful (Patent Bar).

I have a feeling I am going to have difficulty tracking food and exercise. My plan is to use my iTouch for something more helpful than simply being pretty.

Ah, only numerous pounds to go, but at least I went.

Of course, now my head is screaming at me that I have to lose it all before I start my firm job. Without major surgery that is fairly impossible unless I suddenly embrace the feeling of hunger. Please don't let this voice in my head ruin things. I hate that voice. It's always "don't you remember every other time you have failed at..." Weight loss, careers, relationships. That voice never shuts up and it can make the most minor mistakes seem the most catastrophic. And what it does with really huge failures is no less than a masterpiece. If that voice would shut up, my life would be so much better. It whispers to me, right now, that it is there to keep me from failing. That if it wasn't there, I would never do anything. That's a set of lies I believed for a long time. But now, I see that every time I fail, it has more to do with agreeing with that voice than my own efforts.

Just a little psych for all two that read this. Remember, you can be 42 and still have all of the anxiety and angst of a 12 year old.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Oh yeah and

it's two weeks before classes start and only one class has released its syllabus and book list. So once again, the profs don't give a shit that textbooks are a million bucks a book that could be purchased cheaper with enough time prior to classes beginning. Gotta love it. Especially since most of them will reuse the same syllabus from last semester or last year.

Patent Bar Exam

Blah...I take the PTO Feb 18. If I fail, I can take it again. Thank goodness, because I am not doing to well on the practice exams.

I will be studying my butt off until then. But, oh boy, listening to these lectures is like watching syrup pour, very slowly from a bottle. And you are strapped to a chair, forced to watch every last drop to escape. And then there is this long strand of syrup that is completely indecisive...well, you get the idea.

Friday, January 1, 2010

I am cleaning out the pantry

I am having a bit of a problem getting started on eating clean. The problem is two-fold. I want to eat out all the time. And I haven't really made enough of an effort to cook. So in order for this to work, I guess I am going to have to nut-up, clean house, and cook.

I really want to do this.

And we are doing it on $75/week. That should be plenty of money, but that is the budget. If I can get it below $50/week, that would be awesome. But we are starting at the high end and eventually getting to the lower number.


(1) Budget and (2) clean foods.