Obsessing???

I have this friend (at least I think she is, I mean I like her and want to be friends). And I wonder if there is something that I have done to irritate her. Should I ask? Am I being an idiot? Obsessing?

I hate when I feel this way.

I can't take this any more

A 22-yo with a non-distinctive degree is working for the professor I have tried over and over to talk to.

What is wrong with me? Why am I so unemployable even within the school? Why do I suck so much? Why couldn't all these fucking schools have just rejected me so it wouldn't be a long drawn out three year rejection.

I can't stand this. I hate smiling and acting like none of this bothers me. I hate every new fucking email that rejects me once more.

Avoiding Exam dissection

"They" always say to just forget about the exam and move on. Don't dissect it with friends, don't mull over it. BUT I WANT TO. There is this little nagging voice wanting to discuss the exam because I just have no clue how I might have done. In the world of law exams, it is never about how well you think you did, your grade is all about how well others did in comparison to you (at least in first year).

No offense law school, but this is a stupid way to grade. A forced curve? Really? Please! I read the model answer for one class and had an incredibly similar response (I am not hallucinating, I thought part of it was mine). Letter grade below that dude. Why? Prof admitted the grades were so close he was letter grade dropping for insignificant spelling errors. Hmm. Not what I thought law school was going to be about. It's not going to change, at least not for me.

And speaking of which, do you really think that guy you are interviewing because he is top 10% will make a better lawyer than me (50%), even though the dude can't go without saying "dude" every other word, believes that cursing in front of anyone is his god-given right, refuses to get involved in anything outside of classes, etc. He will be a better clerk than me, who has managed a large office, is spending time volunteering over the summers in the ABA and state bar organizations, spends time volunteering for legal career related things? Really? What if I told you that he tells everyone that he is only doing this because he doesn't want to really work yet and can spend Daddy's money instead for 3 years?

Bitter? Maybe. Maybe I am wrong and he will make a great lawyer and I will be the sucky one. This drives me nuts. I wanted a career change, spent years researching opportunities in law, GET TOLD by admissions and career services that I would have no problem getting a job and now the tune has changed. "Hm, your grades aren't too good. What other plans do you have?" WHAT.???!!!!! One semester and I am toast. What the hell is wrong with these people?
I HAD A CAREER. Granted, I didn't like it all that much, but it was better than unemployment.

Okay, I have to turn this frown upside down, cause I am talking myself right into a depressive state.

Peace.

Exams, exams, exams

Prepping for exams. Outlining at the last minute is not recommended.

Low day

I am getting tired, depressed, and I want to pull out of it. I can feel it creeping in. The almost crying, the sleeping a little later everyday, the lack of energy, watching TV instead of studying.

This scares me because I need to do better on exams this semester if I am going to be competitive. But in my head I hear that voice saying, "do it tomorrow." God, this is hard and ego-crushing. I left a career (okay, so I didn't like it) to be in school and get rejected on nearly a daily basis. Newest development, I can get rejected from a job in less than 24 hours. In the span of 3 days, I get turned down from multiple jobs.

I watch these folks just out of undergrad getting jobs and all I can ask is why? And I haven't screwed up an interview...I don't get interviews.

This whole experience is killing me. I sound like this is so poor me. But, good lord, I am having a problem with this whole keeping a positive attitude shit. So I am in a bad mood, but still need to do the right thing and study.

Suck grades...Oh how that hurt.

Well, after thinking that I could easily handle law school, I come to learn I was very wrong. In fact, I was incredibly WRONG. And everyone that said scientists seem to have the hardest time their first year was RIGHT.

And for some bizarre reason, this isn't the end of the world. Oh, I cried like a baby for about an hour. Read through biotech job advertisements. But I came out of it, just like that.

First hour:
Scared I had made a huge mistake and screwed everything up.
Terrified that I had disappointed my DH (he moved here with me for this).
Terrified that I had put us in a horrible position, me with bad grades and no job prospects.
Crushed that so many people seemed to get it and I couldn't
Angry that I was even doing this and angry at professors and the school and anyone else
Ultimately, angry with myself for not doing better, trying harder, studying longer, etc.

Second hour: Coming out of that. Just kind of emerging. Then smiling and realizing that bad grades were not going to kill me. So what if I couldn't clerk for the Supreme Court now. I'm 40, I want a job in this area with good benefits. I want a challenging career where I can make a good salary. I did want big law, but even that is not impossible.

Third hour: Having dinner with a few people, including a judge and having the judge say "Don't quit." Having the other two people talk about law and why we are here. Just getting into the whole idea of being here for something more than grades.

Past two days. Being happy to be involved in this. Realizing that there are a lot of people who are going to do better than I am or be smarter than I am or take tests better than I do. Being more motivated than I have felt in weeks. And just not caring about grades.

This is one of those epiphanies. I can finally be happy for others. I can be happy with myself. And I can learn from my mistakes.

Now, who the hell stole my brain and replaced it with Polly Sunshine?

Still having some motivation problems

But I am going to alter my attitude. Instead of bitching about law school, I am going to spend the next 8 weeks smiling and loving being here. I know it's difficult and it's fun to rant about all of the things that are wrong with it. But I think all of this bitching has gone bone deep for me.

Also, I am going to try to keep forefront in my mind the reasons I am here. (1) I grew to really dislike my previous job and (2) I wanted a new challenge that carried more benefits. And a small part of my decision, to allow my DH time to write.

So, if you see someone in the halls smiling widely and talking about the joys of law school, please don't hit me.