Yeah, that previous post on getting through panic

Not so much. I am not in the fetal position, but DH turned on the TV last night (I study in the dining room which is open to the TV room) and you would have thought he just kicked my cat across the room. We compromised. He turned the sound down as far as he could without lip reading, I moved my chair so I couldn't see it and put in ear plugs. Oh happy day. I wish I could disable the damn thing.

So while I am not FREAKING, I am freaking.

And I am with NB, if one more person attempts to assure me that I will have no problem passing the bar exam I will yank their spine from their body ala Predator.

T-9 days

Exactly 9 days from today I will be sitting in a large room with about 500 other people praying (me and everyone else. No atheists in foxholes or bar exams).

Just to apprise folks, I spent an evening freaking out. Nothing was working (breathing, exercise, etc), so I just went with it. I cried, muffled screams with a pillow, imagined the most horrible consequences of failing (right down to an ex yelling across a crowded room about how he heard I had failed my bar exam). And then I realized that all of this could happen and it really wouldn't be that awful. I mean it would be pretty bad if I failed, but (1) I can take it again and (2) really, failing a test has me in a fetal position.

I know I am rambling, but try to follow me here. I was sitting, rocking back and forth, when it simply dawned on me how ridiculous I was acting. Yes, it is stressful. Yes, I have days of unending studying. And yes, the wait will be excruciating. But I won't be in physical pain (except what I put myself in) and I won't die. It's paper. A test. Good lord, you would think I was in a war torn country with live fire all around me. I suppose what I am trying to say is, you make your own hell. I made it then I chose to walk out of it. Thanks Butterflyfish, I needed that!

How do you stop panic?

By now, I expected to be doing better on Barbri tests. I have gotten worse. Where I was acing contracts, I am now lucky to get 2 in 5 right. Torts, yeah, not so good. I am terrified to try any more essays. I am at the point where I want to give up. Just say, I can't do this. I don't want to take this test and fail. I would rather, right now, simply give up.

What do you guys do to control this or at least vent it? I have tried meditation, exercise, and, yes, a drink. And the horrible and continued berating going on (you should have started sooner, you should have kept up better, you should have...).

12 more days, just 12 more days.

T-12 days

The last days where the cramming begins. Studies show that the information within a 2-week period is the information that sticks the best. Memory obstacles = tired, stress, anxiety, and poor nutrition. Conditions during the last 2 weeks of bar review = tired, stressed, anxious, and eating crap.

Everyone I have seen over the last week looks exactly like me. Crazy eyes, slightly disheveled, hair slightly dirty, even though washed that day, comes from running your hands through hair all day. Some are worse (please dear god take a shower). Some seem to be handling it better (take a close look though...pens chewed, paper frayed).

T-12.

Life sucks, how are you?

I am failing all my practice tests. I can't seem to remember anything from day to day. And I am within inches of a meltdown of epic proportions, which will likely be triggered in the grocery store, in my living room, or in another store of some kind. I think it will likely be public and I fear for the safety of any person that is confronted with a raging, crying, sobbing, psycho that I will become.

So, how's your day?

Bilski was a punt and other news

The only real other news is that Barbri is horrible. I can stand it, though it at least has an end.

With other news, we have a house available in the place that I have my job. It's definitely a fixer upper, but I am looking forward to eventually doing that. I want a home that I can finally make my own. And I plan to change the hell out of this house. I have already, in my head, torn down walls, recreated rooms, bought new appliances, and redone the outside. I have even added windows. Well, it's more fun than Barbri.

Questionable Exam

ARRRGGGG. Okay, I know it's no big deal, most folks fail the practice MBE. Yep, I did a stellar dive. Don't want to discuss it, not pretty, nothing to see here. That alters the next 3 weeks.

Anywhoo, I am driving to the city where I am taking the bar exam. People, especially husband, thinks I am insane. You see this drive is approximately 20 hours. Yes, you read that correctly.

Why drive? One main reason, flying makes me nervous in good times. But from one experience, I have found that if I am stressed out over something, flying becomes a nightmare. That wouldn't be a big deal on a nonstop or even a one-stop flight. But noooo, that would be right. Because of the limitations I have (my husband insisted that I use the free ticket), I would have to have 3 layovers. Yeah, idiotic.

AND I love to drive. I absolutely love it, getting out there, putting on some music or book on tape or even a Bar Bri lecture, I have fun on the road. And by making this one little change, drive instead of fly, I spend my days really looking forward to this trip! Took a lot of stress out of my days.