Thursday, February 4, 2010

No Matter What...My psyche will take a beating

I am trying to write an entry about a situation that is really taking a toll on my confidence and self-esteem, worth even. But I am having a difficult time doing so in a way that doesn't make it obvious what I am talking about. Suffice it to say, I am in a situation that is in the past but is still haunting me through emails. And in this email back and forth, I feel like the bad guy in every which way possible. Yes, I am partly responsible for the situation. I should have asked questions sooner, I should have expressly warned certain players that I can be extremely slow sometimes. I may not have put my all (or a ton) into said situation, but I did this thing, project, if you will, and now I am done. Only I am not done. Because I keep getting emails. The person emailing is not a bad person, only a dissatisfied person.

So here I am in my head and this is what I hear:

You should have worked harder, much harder.
You did a piss-poor job.
You never finish anything.
You will always disappoint everyone.

These are the voices that have caused me to withdraw from a lot of things. I just don't want to disappoint others and myself any more.

What the voices (really, not schizophrenic) never say is evidence to the contrary. Papers have been published, degrees got, orders completed, papers done, grades of a complete nature, projects finished. But even as I write these things, there are counters to each and every one. Would you all just shut up.

Over the next few months I am going to adopt the techniques from Taming Your Gremlin. I want to get rid of these voices that keep me from being a whole person. Today's technique (and one that will take a while to master) is the just notice the gremlin. It's a basic separation technique. The gremlin (or voices) are not me. They are a composite of every thought, outside person's judgment, etc, I have seen in my life. The REAL me would acknowledge, accept and learn from: (1) I did not do my best, (2) but I did what I could, (3) I learned that I do not juggle so many things well and should have said so immediately, (4) I learn very slowly when things are done in small chunks spaced apart, and (5) another person's opinion of me is just that person's opinion.


Angie said...

Hang in there - I hope to read in the future more "details" - i'm soo curious now!! But seriously, you really MUST believe in yourself and know you will do the best you can do!

Eliza said...

Thanks Angie! I know that I didn't give these folks the work that they needed or that I am capable of. Unfortunately, I just packed on too much and should have not gotten into the situation to begin with.